The Life and Times of TAOTBB

•February 3, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Living in the Northeast now makes things interesting.  For the last several years, I have missed cold weather more and more.  To be honest, I don’t like digging my car out of the snow when we have a storm.  I do love the cold weather, the snow, and the light winds.  I have no problems dressing for the weather, even if it does mean more laundry.

When I walk outside, I am reminded why I missed this weather.  The clean taste of the wind, the brush of cold over my cheeks when I am all bundled up, and the pleasure of watching the snow fall.  I know it’s not all fun and games, though.  I don’t like driving in slush (it’s slicker than snot), having big trucks and SUVs try to intimidate me in my little car, and driving on ice is just stupid.

I am lucky because my current job can be done from home.  So my boss makes the call (like he did yesterday morning), and I get to stay bundled up in my apartment (in my jammies, of course) and still get my job done.  It’s not optimal, but it is a great option when the weather gets really ugly.

So that’s work and weather.

The class I am taking for my bipolar is fascinating but hard.  I’m a little behind, but I hope to catch up over the next couple days.  Learning to determine my state and function during an episode would be a great thing.  Like I said, though, it’s not easy.  Being unable to answer the questions clearly makes it hard for me to continue.  It’s the perfectionist in me.

Other than the class, I need to work on my apartment in the worst way.  I don’t have anywhere to store things, so my clothes are all over the place.  I need to get a bunch of hangers.  I hate having to since I left a ton of them back in Texas.  That’s the other thing.  I had to leave so much behind, I am finding that I miss certain things.

I thought I brought one of my favorite books (The Deed of Paksennarion omnibus by Elizabeth Moon) and my favorite movie (Dune – theatrical release).  Sadly, it looks like neither one of them made it up here.  Those I might need to ask to be sent up here.  If they can be found among everything I left behind.  And if they weren’t donated.  I would have to cry since neither one is easy to replace.

Since I don’t currently have internet, I can’t get into too much trouble.  😉  So I keep my phone, Kindle, and Nook charged so I have plenty to read.  My comp does have a few movies on it, so that’ pretty cool.  I am managing to keep myself entertained, even when I cannot go outside.  I do want to get healthier, so I am trying to eat better.  As well, I might enter a weight loss challenge at work.  I’m not sure about that one yet.  Part of getting healthier for me is doing my PT exercises again.  I need to go online to find some of my old ones, especially since I have several different bands now.  Since I don’t mind the cold as much as many, I might start walking.

One of the reasons I need to get my apartment situated is because I am debating getting a dog.  If I do, I’ll have to get a prescription because my complex doesn’t allow pets.  I might just wait until October when my lease expires and move to a different complex.  It would be easier if I did that.  That would also allow me to get into a slightly better situation financially.

My car will be paid off soon, so that’s less money going there.

Of course, my school loans will be starting back up again soon.  I put them on deferment for the move.  I also need to find some sort of financial/legal advisor regarding my medical bills, too.  I would like to start paying on them, but I’m really not sure where to start.  It would be so much better if I could consolidate them like you can with credit cards.

So there are 2 things I need and one thing I want to get the apartment situated.  My first priority is a bed.  I am currently sleeping on a very nice air mattress.  Sadly, it’s sprung a leak twice already.  (Thank you, brat, for the silicone sealant/glue.)  My next priority (and this may happen first just for cost reasons) is storage/shelves.  There’s a Habitat Restore nearby and I should be able to find dressers and such for reasonable prices.  The want is a bean bag couch or lounger.  They aren’t horribly expensive, but they do look comfy.  [FYI, I pulled the links just for the description, etc.  I do not support any specific online retailer.]

Group therapy is going well.  I think we have a pretty good group pulled from all walks of life.  This is done through a community clinic, so you really do get all-sorts.  Sometimes I feel odd coming in there with my heavy suede winter coat and work clothes.  I wonder if people think I am weird or don’t belong.  Then I remember they aren’t my target audience.

Well, I think that is enough of an update for right now.  I’m trying to do better about writing here.  I do want to do more communicating with others.

Class Discussion-1

•January 20, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I had my first class discussion a couple days ago. It was interesting. I wasn’t able to connect through the computer, so I could only listen.  The discussion ran over, so we didn’t get to everything. People logged in online were able to answer questions.

I found it interesting because it was all about identifying our worst manic and depressive episodes. Of course, my episodes of hypomania look different than typical mania. They still scare me.

My depressive episodes last far longer and are much deeper (and more dangerous). Oddly enough, I’m less scared of depression. The behaviors involved certainly lend themselves to being hidden.

Along with the behavior during the episode we also talked about how we felt physically during an episode. It was interesting and I’m still digesting all of the information.

Thinking Long and Hard About 2014

•January 12, 2015 • 1 Comment

So many things have changed for me in the last year that I am debating starting this blog up again.

I have taken many strong steps toward taking better care of myself:

1. Sought better assistance with my joint, back, and neck issues.

a. Two separate physical therapists and a chiropractor.

b. I now have a definitive diagnosis of arthritis in my cervical spine and loose/weak/stretched ligaments in my feet and hips.

2. To help with the back and neck, I finally had the breast reduction surgery I’ve needed for years.

a.  Immediate relief, even while recovering from the surgery itself.

3. Started a serious job search within the company.

4. Moved 2000 miles to take a new position with a significant raise.

5. Working on getting more stable and taking care of my bipolar and anxiety.

a. Started group therapy in the new locale before the end of the year.

b. Am now starting an online course to help me deal with my bipolar (2015).

So looking back on the last year, there have been so very big changes in my life.  Although they haven’t all been positive (I had my worst PTSD episode/anxiety attack in years), I’m hopeful that any and all positive momentum can continue and be shared with others.

You’re Too Sensitive

•December 26, 2013 • Leave a Comment

My previous post very slightly pertains to this thought process. I will be posting again soon with more of a tie in.

Bipolar For Life

How many of you have heard those words directed at you, from someone who is supposedly close to you?  A parent?  A sibling?  A Bestie?  A life partner?

I’ve heard that a lot from my immediate and extended family, and from lovers and friends too.  And all it means is that…”You need to grow a thicker skin,”  as my mother would say, when I sat crying over some stabbing remark from a school bully, or a school chum, or a teacher.

A thicker skin, so that their barbs would not penetrate my naked soul.

My excellent psychiatrist reminds me often: “Some people have sensitive stomachs.  Some people have sensitive lungs.  And some people have sensitive brains.”

For what is mental illness but an extra-sensitivity of the brain?

We perceive so sharply, we feel so deeply, that at times it drives us over the edge, becomes intolerable.  Sometimes we see things…

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•December 26, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Tonight I’m in an odd mood. I had a bad fall in the apartment parking lot last night. I’ve a black eye, scraped face, bruised shoulder and hip, and a banged up knee.  I see the doctor tomorrow, in case you were worried.

 

As my workday went on today, the pain grew worse all over but actually seemed to lessen in my knee. It’s just as swollen and bruised as it was earlier today, if not moreso. Interestingly, I have had knee pain off and on all my life. That’s a low level amount of pain that I don’t even feel anymore. I wonder if my pain receptors in that region aren’t a little scrambled after all this time. Maybe that’s why the rest of me hurts so badly while I’m not feeling much from the knee…

If I can figure out a way to do the pictures without feeling my face too much, I might see about posting some. I wear glasses and they came very close to hitting my eye. I was pretty lucky, actually. 

Of course, I didn’t feel that way when I was laid out in the parking lot ay midnight crying like a baby and bleeding since I managed to tear a blood vessel in my hand. [Yes, Mom, I know I should have had Kleenex in my purse.] I eventually made it to my feet, grabbed something to wrap my finger in from the car and made my way (painfully) to my apartment. That was the easy part. 😉

But anyway, I wad thinking of how nerves work differently in the same person, let alone two different people. Another blogger also had me thinking on this subject. I’ll be re-posting her article on this right after this. I’m on my phone, so posting is difficult, especially re-posting with comments. So PLEASE read the post right after this one.

I’m going to try to write more on this later, but I wanted to get the update done.

 

 

Paranoia

•December 21, 2013 • 2 Comments

Paranoia is a not infrequent symptom of bipolar disorder.  I personally hadn’t felt like I suffered from it in the past.  After reading a couple other blogs and catching myself reacting in a very unhealthy way at work, I think I might have been wrong.  Thankfully it was in my head and I had not acted on my thought…yet.

I have a lot of anxiety as regards my job and the possibility of losing said job.  Right now things at work are horribly stressful due to the end of the year and several other changes the company is going through.  I was sitting there working when I looked over at my coworker, F, and a new manager-type person we have, P.  I saw the two of them speaking and immediately began thinking about how worthless I am at my job, they must think I am worthless, and they must be working on figuring how to get rid of me.  Mind you, this was a day or so after I had received some constructive criticism from P [that I asked for].  My mind went into this entire spiral of negative and paranoid thinking, though.  I have been working very hard and I keep telling myself that.

I do have an appointment on Monday with the psych, so I will talk to him then.  Since I am still living in a pretty depressed state, I will be talking to him about that.  I also need to see my regular doctor since it appears that my situational asthma/reactive airway disease has decided to be absolutely horrid this year.  We shall have to see what occurs, right?

Breathe

•December 7, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I need to remember this.

Rainey Daze and Crazy Nights

I don’t know where this came from; it was one of those anonymous internet finds. I am re-posting because this is TRUTH, and hard to remember.

 

 

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz. She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I …hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change…

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