Huh. Isn’t that just the way?

I had something to write about.  Of course I cannot remember what it was.  *sighs*  The brain part of this blog is a little sketchy sometimes.  [Okay.  I sooooo did not mean for that pun to be there.  I didn’t even notice it until I re-read this! Of course, I’m going to leave it.]

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately. [As usual, I know.]  One thing that feels important is my level of functionality.  Previously, I have been told that I am high functioning, lucky, blah blah blah.  The fact that I can make it to work and do my job is a basis for the decision of how well I do or don’t function.  But maybe that’s the wrong factor to look at.

I am almost completely non-functional at home.  It takes an enormous amount of effort for me to accomplish minor tasks like washing dishes or doing laundry.  I fully admit to being lazy and not liking to do these things, but logic tells me that I should be able to accomplish them when needed.  Not wanting to do them is different than not being able to.  In my mind, at least.  I will look at the dishes in the kitchen and plan what I need to get done over the weekend, including cooking.  I cannot tell you how much food I have wasted because I couldn’t get up and do dishes so I could cook.

That might sound like whining.  That might be whining.  But…

Maybe it’s not.  Maybe I’m not just being lazy.  When I was younger, I didn’t want to do things.  I waited until the last minute.  I made a mess of my priorities.  But I did accomplish those things necessary.  I might not have done a good job, but I got things done.  Now, the only time I do laundry is when I have no clothes left.  And I cannot explain how many clothes I have, even having left 1/2 or more of my wardrobe behind when I moved.  The sheer volume of socks is a bit disconcerting.  Now, all my dishes are dirty and I cannot get to the sink.

I don’t think this is lazy.  I think this is a symptom I have been ignoring/excusing.  So now what?  Even thinking about this situation right now has my hands shaking.  Why am I anxious just talking about this?

Maybe I’m scared because this would mean admitting that I’m really not okay.


~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on February 13, 2015.

2 Responses to “Huh. Isn’t that just the way?”

  1. I have exactly these same problems except that I am unable to work. My son (age 20) does the dishes and everyone in the house does their own laundry. I do mine every two weeks, but hate it. At least you can hold down a job…I am on disability. But when I was working, I came home and collapsed on the couch. If it’s any consolation, I totally “get” how you feel. I hope you have more energy soon.

  2. Been there, felt that, it’s like why even bother with dishes, they just come back. But keep trying, dear!

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