Irritation? Annoyance? Anger? Rage!

This post is a response to ladymelancholy’s very good post here.

She speaks of anger and rage.  Although I personally do not have this problem at severe levels, I know those that have.  [Due to my past, me and anger don’t get along.  Hurray for sublimation and passive-aggressiveness.]

The brother I do not speak to anymore had anger and rage problems from puberty, if not before.  Although he was not formally diagnosed with BD, I will always believe he was.  He flew of the handle easily, was verbally, mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive to many people.  He also got into fights in bar parking lots, was attacked with a bat when he attacked the wrong person, went through a shower door and a glass sliding door, and many more.  I was afraid of him until I was around 20 years old.  After dealing with his abuse all those years and being date-raped when I was 19, I came to the conclusion there was nothing left he could do to me and the fear went away (for the most part).

But how did it feel in his head?  How scared was he on the inside that he raged all of the time?  How much did he hate himself to be able to direct that much hate toward others?  And finally, how much did all of that hurt?

In my research about bipolar [I am not saying or inferring ladymelancholy has bipolar disorder or anything like that, I am not a professional.  Her post does a wonderful job of describing rage and the confusion it can cause which can cycle back to the anger fueling it all.] and my experience as well, anger can be closely tied to our symptoms.  For me, it expresses itself as increasing irritation and annoyance toward everyone around me.  If I am not careful, I will say and do things that cause considerable trouble for me and others.  Now, anger and violence are often tied to symptoms of mania.  I found out, though, that the severe irritation and annoyance (I am referring to the type that can cause problems in your life like ending long-term friendships and losing a job) can also be tied in to depression.

To me, that makes so much sense.  When the people around me do not understand the behavior of my depression, I get…well probably mad, but I rarely allow myself to be mad or angry.  When I am depressed and it takes everything for me to just barely function, it makes me feel like everyone else has it easy.  I resent feeling this way and having to take meds and friends that disappear (my perception) and family that doesn’t answer their phone and people that don’t respond to my infrequent blog posts or facebook posts.  Fact of the matter is, everything irritates and annoys me at times during my depression.  My relationships with coworkers are stressed to the maximum allowed for me to keep my job.  I stop seeing friends because everything they do irritates me and I don’t want to lose them.  There are days I wish I could strangle every person I come into contact with, friend, foe, stranger alike.

Some days, I cannot get out of bed, so I don’t make it to work.  Some days I know I will scream at someone if I go to work, so I call in.  Both cause issues when it comes to absenteeism.  But the latter might cause an immediate termination from a job I desperately need.

So thank you, ladymelancholy for putting into words something I find so hard to describe.  [It’s that whole no anger thing.]  I hope you are able to find a way to dissipate some of that rage and become more comfortable in your skin just as I continue to do.

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~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on September 17, 2013.

4 Responses to “Irritation? Annoyance? Anger? Rage!”

  1. Really well said. ‘Melancholy’ is having a terrible time, without, it seems, a network of friends. You, elsewise, have a creel of oddlings with whom to contend, and prance about in arabesques of silliness.

  2. […] Irritation? Annoyance? Anger? Rage! (theartistryofthebipolarbrain.wordpress.com) […]

  3. […] Irritation? Annoyance? Anger? Rage! (theartistryofthebipolarbrain.wordpress.com) […]

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