Anxious and freaking out a bit.

I got some news yesterday that really did a number on me.  When I got to work, my boss told me he needed to see me in the conference room.  Since I have a lot of anxiety around situations like that, I was very uncomfortable.  I let him know I would be there as soon as I finished dealing with the situation that popped up as soon as I opened my computer.  [Don’t you just love to walk in to work and have people clamoring for your attention via the phone or email immediately?]

My boss is a really good guy.  It is only due to his willingness to listen to me that allowed me to walk into the conference room calmly.  There was still a voice telling me what a failure I was in the back of my head.  I was doing a decent job of keeping it mostly quite and restrained, though.  So I sat down with him and listened as he told me they wanted to re-start one of the sections I work for.  I am currently the only person that does this job and it is only a part of my job as I do another job most of the time.

So.  They want to start this section up again and they want me to be a part of it.  Which makes sense since I am the one that has been doing it.

But.  [You knew that was coming, right?]  They want to move me back to the building I worked at before.  It’s halfway across town, but I figure I could live with it.  Then they informed me that they want it moved out of my current boss’s supervision and under a different manager.  That’s a problem for me.  Not only do I really enjoy working for my current boss who trusts me to do my job without a lot of interference, but the other manager they want in charge is one I worked for when I was still a temp worker.  I always got the feeling he hated me and/or thought I was beneath his notice.  Additionally, the person that would be the direct supervisor was my supervisor before and never supported me or backed me up.  Neither did the manager.  I had a horrible time dealing with my coworkers there and never felt like I fit in.

So my current boss (we’ll call him Y) tells me all of this.  I started shaking badly.  I was trying to hold on, but I couldn’t keep from crying at even the thought of working for these people again.  I was honestly traumatized by my time there before.  Y happens to dislike the other manager intensely for many reasons.  Although the strength of my response probably surprised him a bit, he handled it well.  After just talking me though my anxiety attack (he acted like it was nothing unusual, which really helped), he told me that I should let HR know my feelings on the situation.  Honestly, I don’t know what they will do, but I hope to talk to HR today.  Yesterday, HR was in the other building I would be moving to (ironic, don’t you think).

So I am still freaking out a bit, the shakes are still here, just not as bad, and I am such an amalgam of emotions it is hard to function.  But we shall see what happens today.  And I will make sure it takes place in a conference room so any anxiety attacks/crying jags are not public events.  I would love to do the job, especially of I could keep my present pay and get a semi-supervisory role (and the increase that comes with it.  But there is no way I could work for that manager and supervisor without serious repercussions for my mental health.  I almost had a breakdown the last time I worked with them.

And so life becomes interesting once again.

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~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on February 15, 2013.

2 Responses to “Anxious and freaking out a bit.”

  1. I’ve been meaning to come back to this (three-afternoon labs starting up again, cue panic and brain-mush!) to offer *HUGS* and *SYMPATHY* and *TEA/COFFEE/HOT COMFORTING BEVERAGE OF YOUR CHOICE*!

    I’m really sorry that this is happening; it sounds like the last thing you need at the moment (not that there’s ever a point where you’d be happy about it, but you know what I mean…). I’m glad your boss is still on your side and responding well to your concerns, and I hope it gets sorted out sharpish!

    -JC

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