Sleep, therapy, and head games.

Wow.  This is the longest time I have gone without posting or replying to comments.  Please trust me when I tell you that it doesn’t mean I am not reading your comments and appreciating them.  I am.  Far more than I could really say.

I am pretty stressed out right now with the reduced hours and finding out that my apartment complex is raising the rent.  So I have 10 days or less to decide whether I am going to stay in the complex in a smaller apartment (if one is available) or move out.  Any way I look at it, I will be moving out of my apartment.  😦  I hate moving with a passion.  I hate asking for help and paying for movers would be out of my reach completely.  Luckily I don’t have a tone of furniture, but I don’t know anyone with a truck, so I’ll have to rent a small truck for the day to move and ask a bunch of my friends to help out.  Because I have physical issues with my knees and hips, I feel even worse because I am not going to be able to do as much as I feel I should.

Along with the idea of moving, I have to come up with money for deposits and the like.  There is such a high rate of rental occupancy here (96%), that they can charge a lot of fees just to hold the apartment.  Even if I stay where I am, I have to come up with $100 to hold the apartment I will be moving into.  😦  Since rent is going to be a stretch this month, that’s a problem.  I know I’m going to have to ask for help and I hate that.

Another reason I am having a lot of issues with writing posts is because my head is all kinds of messed up.  My therapist is on vacation (of course) and my head is all kinds of not making any sense.  I don’t know how many people read it, but I have gone into my history a bit in the past.  I have a pretty messed up history when it comes to men and sex.  And when I say men and sex, I mean each individually as well as the two together.  In the last month or so, my head has decided that playing games is a good idea.  As a result, I am having a hard time interacting physically (hugs and cuddling) with my male friends, forget anything else.  I haven’t been able to figure out what the trigger might have been, so talking about it is extremely hard.  Explaining what is going on is nigh on impossible.

Since I have had to ask for help more than I would normally and my head is so messed up about my relationships with males, I have been very withdrawn and depressed.  I am still functional and able to spend time with friends, though.  It is really hard to explain what I mean when I say all of this.

So lately, my head is just not in a place that makes me happy.  I still have to decide whether I even want to make an appointment with my psych ($40) to discuss the whole accommodations thing since I have been thinking about delaying the whole idea.  I have plenty to talk to my therapist about when I have my next appointment after she comes back, though.
I hope all of you understand that I am not trying to be rude, just succeeding far too well.  I appreciate all of your comments, though.  I am also working on getting more writing done, so we shall see how that works out.  I’ve been trying to write daily, although I am only really managing to average 50% of the time.  I keep telling my self that at least I am writing and that’s more frequent than it has been in a long time.


~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on August 21, 2012.

5 Responses to “Sleep, therapy, and head games.”

  1. Wow you have a lot on your plate right now don’t you? Try to take things as they come without getting stressed out. I am praying that you will be able to get the apt that is going to be right for you and that He helps you with your issues with men. I don’t really know your past . I must have started reading after you covered that. But whatever it is, I want you to be happy and free to enjoy affection from people. I always have you on my mind and I check for posts almost every day from you. I just know that you are a fighter and that you don’t have it easy being single with mental health issues and trying to make it in a “normal” society. You are always in my thoughts and prayers no matter how much you can or can not share or express. (((hugs))). virtual hugs are safe 😉

  2. My therapist suggested I use the saying “it’s better than it was before” to keep from expecting perfection. I thought of that when you mentioned trying to write more. You are doing it more than you have before!
    Decisions such as you have before you can be really difficult, so I’m wishing you clear thoughts and calm emotions.

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