Pain and Lying.

I haven’t been posting much lately. It is not because I don’t have anything to say. If you knew me in person, you would know I always have something to say.

I have been feeling like no one is listening. I have also been feeling that way in many ways in my offline life as well. I have tried to discuss it with specific people, but for one reason or another, it hasn’t worked out. Sometimes the timing is off, sometimes the other person is dealing with stuff, and sometimes I don’t feel like my words will be taken as anything other than a personal indictment when they are not meant that way in the least.

So.  Self-censoring is not what this blog is about.  I started this whole trip as a way to try to get my feelings and experiences out of me and onto the screen.  I wanted to be able to help others through my own ability to articulate complicated and intense emotions.  Censoring my posts so as not to hurt others isn’t a part of that.  I am not going to be mean and nasty, by any means.  But not posting how I feel in the fear that someone or someones will be hurt helps no one.

I’ll quit lying to you and myself if you will all understand that I am fully aware that my perceptions are distorted, but that doesn’t make the feelings generated any less real.

As a start, I’ll post a poem I wrote this weekend.  For a little context, I had a good, heatlhy weekend with exercise, friends, and good food.  And I still felt I needed to write this:

Invisibility

I’m talking

You’re talking

Not hearing

Not listening

Each absent-minded comment

Carving my worthlessness into

My Heart

My Mind

My Soul.

Not meant to hurt

But succeeding so well

Not understanding

How to stop the pain

My fault, I am sure

Your inability to see

My Heart

My Mind

My Soul.

If no one sees me, do I exist?

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~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on May 21, 2012.

8 Responses to “Pain and Lying.”

  1. We all have ups and downs. Just know that those of us who are here for you, we are -here-. Even when it seems like might not be here 100%. I know I’m guilty of partially paying attention to our chat conversations and partly somewhere else. But I guess I’ve never said how knowing you’re in that other window on my screen brings me back to the days when we’d curl up in that window seat thing outside your dorm room and just be together. We never did -anything- together, either studying or reading or something solo. But for a lack of a better way of putting it, we were alone together, and it still makes for good memories of mine.

    • Thank you for reminding me of those times. Part of my problem is that, logically, I know that you love me and listen to me. My feelings don’t always see it, though. I think if I didn’t feel so guilty about my negative feelings, they might not hang around as long? And you know about my fear of abandonment, so talking about my negative feelings as they might affect or be effected by others is incredibly hard. It feels like a trade off between honesty and friendship, and that should never be true.

  2. It’s a great poem. And I, for one, don’t think you drivel on about nothing in your blog (or in person!). 🙂

  3. I see you and definitely think you exist (I know that was a rhetorical question, but I felt the need to answer it just the same). I empathize with your feelings of invisibility. I’ve, on a number of occasions, felt that way with the blog. And don’t even get me started on real life. I’m currently feeling extremely invisible or unwanted by longtime friends, who don’t even respond to Facebook inquiries. It’s a resentful, frustrating feeling. More than a little dehumanizing. I wish I had something useful to suggest to you but I feel as helpless in the face of feeling invisible as you seem to feel. But don’t stop writing. Keep telling your story and your truths. Make them so real for you that you no longer need others to validate your existence. People can be fickle, but you always have you. If you believe in the indelibility of your spirit, the other folks don’t matter quite as much. Take care.

    • Thanks you. In the past, I have had similar results when trying to connect with people I thought were friends. I quickly reaized their definition of friendship and mine were incompatible. Until I figured that out, though, I felt horrible. Feeling invisible is completely dehumanizing. What’s worse is when you know that your feelings are coming from distorted perceptions and not reality. I have felt invisible in the past due to actions by others. This time, though, the feeling is coming from something else. Yes, little things that people were saying or doing were contributing, but they didn’t do anything to make the feeling start. And that makes me even weirder, I guess.

  4. As far as your blog, please don’t censor what you want to talk about . You know I don’t lol. I always look for a new post from you. I think a lot of us go through that feeling sometime. Hang it there girl! Say what you gotta say! 😉 I’m sure I wont agree lol, but that never stopped me!

    • Thanks, hun. My issue in this case is that my feelings sometimes don’t reflect reality in my life. As a facet of my bipolar acting in concert with my past abuse history, I will start on a downward depressive spiral that falls straight to worthlessness. Then, everything that the people around me do contributes, no matter how minor. I feel guilty talking about the feelings, though, because I know that my friends do see me and love me, as does my family.

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