Last night (Saturday night since I still haven’t gone to sleep for Sunday) I tried to go to sleep early so I could get some things accomplished today.  I was even sleepy, so I thought it would go swimmingly.

Not so much.

Instead, I went to bed about 11 and woke up 2 hours later, wide awake.  Yay.  I tried going back to sleep for about 30 minutes, but by that time I knew it wasn’t happening.  It was a bit weird because when this normally happens, it is because I am sliding into a hypomanic phase and have racing thoughts or my Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) has kicked in and I just cannot keep from moving my legs.

Last night was different.  For once my RLS wasn’t bothering me.  Although I couldn’t turn my brain off, the thoughts were slow and complete.  I was thinking about the short story I was about to restart since I had done some research on it.  I was thinking about cooking and how I have such a hard time estimating how much food I actually need for a week.  And I was thinking about this blog.  But I thought of these things individually, the thoughts were not jumping back and forth rapidly or overlapping.  So it was like my mind was just awake like it is on a daily basis.

I didn’t write on my blog because I was concerned that going online would delay me from getting more sleep.  Instead I read (which I do all the time anyway).  I enjoyed reading, but felt no desire to go back to sleep.  I did eat because my stomach still complains greatly if it gets completely empty.  I also ate before going back to sleep finally because I had to take my medicine.  Considering what a whiny bitch my stomach is, I don’t take meds without food unless there’s no other way.  Finally, after 7:30 this morning, I was able to go back to sleep.  And wake up before noon.

I did drift for about 45 minutes or so, but then I was awake again.  I read for a while, then forced myself to eat because I am in a phase where nothing really sounds good and the effort to make food seems excessive.  I realize that is quite odd considering I really enjoyed making my stew Saturday.  I attribute some of that to the fact that I need to clean the kitchen and fridge so badly.  I did pick up some of the trash and got a bag ready to go out.

I read and relaxed some more, possibly took a nap in there, but I am a little fuzzy.  If I caught a nap, it was for an hour or less.  I finally decided to do some writing on the short story I have decided to write.  It is about a vamp and a solar car race.  I know…Huh?  I think it will be fun, though.  And once I sat down to write, I popped out with 1500 words.  I’m not particularly enamored of them for an opening scene, but they are okay.  And it is essential information.  Oh!  I think I thought of a way to open it before all of that.  It might work a little better for drawing readers in.  Thanks!

I read a bit more of the novel I am supposed to be beta-reading.  I am truly enjoying it.  I am not sure how good a beta-reader I am going to be for the author, though.  And I feel horribly guilty about that!  The writing style is so different than anything I have read in years.  It is wonderfully done and draws me in immediately, which makes it rather hard to look for flaws.  Confessing to fellow author that you don’t feel qualified to beta-read for them smacks of laziness to me.  And I am so enjoying the story.  I shall continue reading and see what happens.  If I finish reading it and feel the same way, I will start to truly worry.  If, after a second read-though I have the same response, I will break down and explain all of this to the author.  And try not to feel entirely inadequate.

So I accomplished stuff today.  I don’t know if it was the lack of sleep or the way it was spaced out, though, that has made me feel like nothing got done today.  So, I tried going to sleep early so I could accomplish things today.  And, although I accomplished several things, they were not high on my to-do list.  So I feel like I didn’t do a damn thing all day.

When I talk to other people and they tell me they got X, Y, and Z done, all before work, I feel entirely inadequate.  I know that with bipolar, I can expect it to be difficult to get things done at times.  I also know I tend toward laziness and procrastination no matter what.  [I was always the kid doing the science fair project the night before.  I drove my mom bonkers.]  The funny thing is, I have no problem organizing someone else.  Although I have a hard time sitting down and doing my own writing, when my writing partner hits a block or question in her own writing, she knows she can always come to me.  My work space is organized and my desk is clear when I get to work and when I go home.  I have a place for everything and make sure I don’t run the risk of losing important paperwork or mixing it up, no matter how much paperwork I am dealing with (something which one of my coworkers fails at).

So why, if I am that capable at work, does it all fall away as soon as I walk in the door of my own apartment?  Why is my home a pigsty that makes me hate myself?  Why does the thought of doing things toward cleaning the place up come to mind and then fade just as quickly?  I sometimes wonder if my poles are just kept completely separate.  I am outgoing and accomplish lots of things when I am at work.  When I am at home, I find it difficult to care about much or to leave the apartment.  I often try to do errands on my way to or on my way home from work.  I know that when I get home, I won’t want to leave.  And if I have to leave for work, going out and coming back before that seems to take an excess of effort.  It’s as if I have angels and demons in my life that only work in certain places.  The demons weigh me down at home and the angels lift me up at work.

Wow!  This post has wandered a bit.  But, the going to sleep early was a total fail.  I did accomplish stuff today, just not what I had planned.  Although I didn’t shower today (bad TAOTBB!), I did scrub the tub, which was in sore need.  I fed myself decently and took all my meds.  Wrote 1500 words, which I haven’t done in one sitting in quite a while.  And worked on reading my beta-novel.  Considering how this post wanders all over the place, though…

Maybe I am on my way into a hypomanic episode.  I will keep an eye on it.  I do see my psych this week, so that’s good timing.  Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep soon.


~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on April 23, 2012.

9 Responses to “Sleep…FAIL!”

  1. That post really reminded me of some of my weekends. I hope you don’t go into a hypomanic phase, but now would be a good time to use your tools (sorry that sounds sooo clichéd) if you’re not already.

    What does TAOTBB mean?

    • TAOTBB is a shortened version of the name of this blog. Another blogger started shortening that way and I have taken to it. Although my friends and family know who writes this blog, it is in no way tied to my legal name. If my boss, or a prospective boss, googles my legal name, this blog will not come up. I prefer a certain distance between my personal life and my work life.

      I do try to use my tools. As we all know, sometimes they work, and other times…not so much. I am trying hard not to go hypomanic and still feel like I am not there. My friends will also help me keep track of my moods. Thanks!

  2. You ha!ve hated cleaning since the day you were born. I remember a time when you were 5 and I had had it with your room. Your answer to me was “I am not made to clean.” When I asked what you were going to do in a marriage” You said” I wil have a maid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
    This is a true story folks. Cleaning isn’t her style. 😉 She is still a wonderful person. Her writing is excellent if she would just finish the story. I have noticed that as she writes, other people jump in and tell her to write their stories.

    Anyway, just relax my girl and flow with things when you have to. I love you just the way you are.

    • Somehow, I can see me saying that. Were my hands crossed over my chest or on my hips?

      You will be proud to note that I have almost got the bathroom completely clean! All that is left is the trash and the floor. 🙂 It actually makes me feel better that it is taking me several different “trips” to get it clean.

      *hugs* Love you too!

  3. yeah I go through that too. Im either sleeping every chance I get or I can’t sleep at all. as far as getting things done. I write a list, say of things I need to do around the house. Then I pick the easiest thing and do it, just to get to mark something off. I try and find something else that is easy and do it and mark it off. Sometimes, in fact a lot of times, I get into the good feeling I get from marking things off. It means I am accomplishing things. It may not last through the whole list, but I do get more done than I would have. Later on, I usually pick up the list again and do something else. I don’t know if that would work for you but I have to play tricks on myself to focus of doing anything.
    I get than crazy restless leg syndrom too. The only way I can stop it, is to lay on the couch on my stomach with my feet pressed against the end of the couch and sleep that way lol.

    • I wish I could use lists. And I do at work. But here at home I find them horribly intimidating. 😦 I am working on it. I do keep a mental list. I try to do things a little at a time so I don’t feel so overwhelmed. I will never be the person that keeps their home spotless, but less of a pigsty would be nice. Hopefully this slow type of cleaning in stages will stick around. I will admit that since I have been more stable, I do more dishes. The kitchen is still a mess, but each time I do some dishes, I do a few extras. It might be hypomania…Or it might be the way I clean now that I am getting more stable. I remember driving my mom up the wall as a kid because I would clean my room in stages, taking a break between stages. Granted, getting me started again was tough, though. lol I completely agree with tricking yourself into doing things, though.

      Yeah, the RLS thing sucks. I have had that as long as I can remember. When I was little and scared when my Dad was TDY (Tour of Duty; out of town for the military), I would go in and sleep with my mom. And apparently kicked and hit her all night long. So I have always been a very restless sleeper. Nowadays, when the RLS kicks in and I have tried getting back to sleep, but it’s not working, I lay on my stomach and read, kicking my feet in the air like a kid. After an hour, I can usually get back to sleep.

  4. Tag, you’re it! Somehow, I ended up in a game of tag and I’m now tagging you! Here is the link with the rules and the one question I picked out for you to answer…

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