From okay to outraged in .32 seconds

Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation with a friend (or an acquaintance, or a stranger), had them say something generally innocuous, and felt like you had been tipped over the edge in a heartbeat?  Yeah, that happened to me.  Rather than trying to talk to my friend, which is always a bad idea when I blow like this, I signed out of chat and told the friend I would talk to them tomorrow.  And I will talk to my friend, and everything will be fine.

What freaks me out is that I thought I had gotten over this hot button.  [And no, you don’t need to know what it is.]  I have worked for years to stop doing a particular behavior.  I understand that it is annoying for others, so I worked damned hard to stop doing it.  In this case, I did this particular behavior twice during our conversation.  After the second time (which was completely inadvertent as I was just teasing), my friend was upset and let me know.  There’s nothing wrong with what my friend said or did.

But.

I went from being just fine to being ANGRY.  I wanted to throw things, shove the comment down my friend’s throat, sever ties in a way that would be irreversible.  I was really ANGRY!  And to go from “normal” to ANGRY in a heartbeat made me mad at myself.  How can I expect others to accept me when I have the strongest urge to sever ties completely from a simple comment?  What kind of person does that make me?  No wonder I can’t keep a friend.  I am a horrible person for thinking that way for even one second.  See it’s no wonder that everyone around me thinks I am a freak and a half.  Of course I am such a worthless person that this is just one way for everyone else to figure it out.  Not like it’s not obvious, but, c’mon, some people might not have noticed by now, so I should just shove them out of my life at the flick of a stupid fucking switch.  And it’s a dumbass reason to get mad.  My friend was right to be angry and irritated with me.  Im surprised this friend even talks to such a worthless piece of shit as me.  here I am , sitting at work, close to tears because I am such a worthless fuck that I can’t control myself and talk to afriend without being an complete and total fuck up.  No wonder everyone hates me.  No wonder my family doesn’t talk to me anymore.  Okay, now I am in tears and there’s no fucking reason, but they are still there because I am so goddamn worthless.  I am overreacting to a stupid situation that is super minor and I can’t fucking stop and I don’t know why. 

What the fuck?!

Okay….Not really sure where that stream of consciousness came from, but I think you can see why I might be upset with myself.  What my friend said had absolutely nothing to do with that entire thought process.  And although what this friend said hit that hot button, I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.  Thankfully, I was able to get off chat before anything from that poured onto the friend.

So now, I am looking back at that mess and terrified that my head goes to that place at the drop of a hat.  Still.

I know a certain percentage of that has been indoctrinated in me since I was a little kid.  But why would I go there so easily and quickly?  And I just caught myself thinking: And what the fuck is wrong with me?  So it’s so easy for me to go there.  Usually I am able to block the thought process before I do that spiral, but today I couldn’t.  And I have to wonder why not?

I have been pretty stable lately.  Granted every person has mood swings and anger issues.  But why did mine spike so hard and over such a ridiculous subject?  I will say that I am a woman and it is “that time of the month”, so it could be influencing my emotions.

It scares me that I became so irrattional so quickly.  Granted, I was able to keep from taking it out on my friend, but that was a close thing.  So how do I deal with something like this the next time?  Trust me, there will be a next time.  And how do I explain to someone that they said something that hurt me when they can say the same thing another day and I just laugh?

How do I deal with feeling like an irrational time bomb?  And is this an indicator that I am getting unstable again?  Or is this “normal” behavior I just need to control?

*Sighs*  I think I need help.

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~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on April 17, 2012.

8 Responses to “From okay to outraged in .32 seconds”

  1. I relate to everything you’ve written here! I don’t understand why I do the same thing, especially since the jump to rage is more likely to happen when I’m “doing well.” Is it because I’m too confident, and my subconscious feels the need to slap me back down?
    When I end up in a rage, the bottom line is always self-hatred. And I hate that I am like that.

    • Yeppers. I hate feeling this way. And of course, then my mind starts picking through my head and pointing out all the things that might mean I am going into an episode. I’ve been sleeping better (probably because of being sick and a possible ulcer = rational) so I must be getting depressed. I’m eating more (again, sick and possible ulcer = rational), so I must be getting depressed. The crap my mind comes up with is ridiculous. But there is always a grain of reality there to make me doubt my own thoughts and emotions. [Yes, I know I am talking as though my mind is separate from the rest of me. Maybe I should say irrational mind?]

      Even now, knowing this has been published and my friends and family have it in their inbox, I want to delete the post and pretend I never react like this.

  2. You know, we all have traits inside us that cause us to react or act a cetain way in response to certain things. But everytime something comes up to test us in that area, we learn a little more about how we are reacting and what are we going to do different the next time. So, instead of beating on yourself, just think how you will handle it next time. But I will tell you that I would think that most people have a hard time when someone calls attention to something we already know about ourself and are already trying to change. I hate to see you feel bad about yourself. I have always known that you aren’t a perfect person because no one is but you’ve always been one of my faveorite bloggers and I am sad when you are mad at yourself. I hope you can put aside the self loathing and think about how to mwke it different next itme. Hugs

    • I try really hard to keep hold of myself in situations like this. I think it would make more sense to me if I reacted the same way to the same thing every time. Thank you for the kind thoughts and compliments.

  3. TAOTBM,
    There’s so much of your post we live home. And we’re still trying to figure out how to anticipate what makes the very sudden mood change appear, or the trigger behind it. It’s hard for my wife, as for the family. But again, it makes such a huge difference to read we’re not alone into this…
    Le Clown

    • I am glad that it helped to read about my situation. I am lucky in that I don’t blow up, I just leave the situation. Of course, you cannot do that with children. I have no idea how I would deal with these spikes of anger if I couldn’t leave the situation. Most likely, I would burst into tears at embarrassing moments. But I have no way of knowing. As for the triggers, I do try to keep track of what might be said or done right before, as well as (sad as it may be) keeping track of my cycle. All of these things contribute to an outburst. I wish you and Sara, and your beautiful children, all the best in this journey.

  4. You were pushed into your self loathing and I just get mad at me for not seeing what was before my eyes. It is too late to change the past but not the future. As we all work through each day we need to make ourselves remember the times and lessons from the past to insure a better future. I know that sounds like drivel but it is hard work and a continual job. Some days it is harder than others and it is hard to think of anything positive. You just have to look at it and think about how it can end up being a positive lesson. (Not at the time of course, but when you can look at it a bit more closely.
    I can see that you are facing things head on in your life. By being able to talk here you have not only helped your family, but others as well. What you are doing is the hardest thing ANY person can do.
    Love you!

    • Thank you. It is very hard to remember that my reactions are something that were trained into me over years. Fact of the matter is though, I didn’t yell, shout, curse, or throw things. Yes, it caused stress on me and my friend. But it didn’t break our relationship like that anger might have. So I have to remember to take my victories where I can get them.

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