Inspirational triggers…

No, that doesn’t mean this is a post about religion.  [We really don’t want to go there, I promise.]

I am talking about things we read, hear, or see that are very inspiring in some way, but they also trigger memories that cause pain, anguish, even self-hatred and mourning.  There have been two threads over multipl blogs that I have read recently that have made me feel wholly inadequate as a person as well as bring back memories that destroy my self-esteem and the integrity of my personality.  SO, here’s your WARNING:  POSSIBLE TRIGGERS AHEAD!!!!

The first set of blogs have been discussing Autism.  Now, I do not have autism, although I follow a few people that fall into the Autism spectrum.  Both of my brothers had ADHD since we were kids.  (One still has ADHD, I don’t have any contact with the other, so I couldn’t tell you.)  They are now finding links and similarities between ADHD and autism.  So this is very close to home for me.  Additionally, it hurts me to hear about how hard these children and adults work to live with it in all it’s varieties.  The pair that I follow specifically are: RJ Scott and Amber Kell BTW, both of these sites are OVER 18 ONLY for visual and written content.  [So I don’t want to hear complaints about how horrid their sites are, thank you.  You have the choice not to click.]  The posts I linked to are their posts about the autistic children in their life.  On Amber’s site, if you look at the next post on her blog, it is her husband’s take on her post/their child.

These are beautiful posts about the loves of their lives, their children.  They are heartfelt discussions of a disorder that few truly understand.  Both of them talk about how they often feel inadequate as parents, let alone parents of autistic children.  I have so much empathy and sympathy for what they do each day to cope with their loves and lives.

I also feel wholly inadequate in the face of their struggles and triumphs.  By no means is that the message they are imparting.  I honestly believe they want people to know that you can do what you think you cannot.  But my twisted little head likes to play games. 

Now, throw in the post on Le Clown’s blog and mix in the facts posted on RJ Scott’s blog about autism and bullying (40% if you chose not to read her blog), and you have a nice little stew for my brain to play with.  And it has painted a very ugly memory for me.  Normally, memories this personal would only be alluded to (as they have been previously).  But, since findingravity inspired Le Clown, I thought I would follow suit. 

 

For some reason, I can’t get the button to work for me.  (If someone knows how, please let me know.)  But PLEASE click on findingravity’s blog link to see her post to see where it began. 

We can thank Le Clown for being able to use the button to click and get to findingravity’s blog.  And really, I’m sorry about the updates!

To give them credit, there were a lot of things my parents were dealing with at the time.  There’s way more to the story than I will put here, but I am setting out my perceptions as related to my childhood.  So here I am, a bookish 10? year old trying to figure out what being a kid is all about.  I don’t have a whole lot of memories from this time period, but one in particular comes to mind.  And I might have been 11.  I had a friend over, let’s call her B.  She and I were in the backyard playing (I have no idea what the heck we were doing) when she points up into the large tree, asking, “Why can’t we swing?”  The reason we couldn’t swing was because M had wrapped the swing around the branch several times so it couldn’t be reached from the ground.  Trying to get out of it since I didn’t want to make M mad, I told her I couldn’t pull it down.  She pointed to the rickety wooden slats that were nailed to the tree for my brothers to climb.  So up I went.  [Not the first time peer pressure caused me problems.]  She and I swung for a while, but I kept looking over my shoulder to make sure my brother wasn’t coming.  I was thrilled when she had finally had enough and scurried up the tree to put the swing back where it had been.  On my way back down I heard something that made me think M was coming so I looked up and missed a step, falling out of the tree.

Many people might think that I was just klutzy.  And you would be right to an extent.  But how terrified was I of M that I took my eyes off those boards when climbing out of a tree?!?  So he indoctrinated fear into me in both subtle and overt ways.  Another way for him to control me was to isolate me.  All abusers, be they parents, siblings, bullies, or partners, seek to isolate their victim from others.  M did this in many ways.  The incident I remember most strongly took place when I was…12, maybe?  I know that I was well into puberty and dealing with all the hormonal changes that went with it (quite possibly my bipolar as well by this time).  I think we were at a new school, so that might mean I was closer to 13/14.  Here I am, trying to make new friends, and my eternally popular brother, M, stands up on the bus and starts talking about very personal information regarding me.  Suffice it to say, it was probably one of the most embarrassing things a person could say to or about someone at this age.  The cruelty was carefully calculated make children laugh and adults tell me that I shouldn’t be ashamed of the behavior.

Yet again, he got away with bullying me.  I have worked hard to get past all of these things in my life.  I like who I am now, but these events and my perceptions of them will always effect me.

The next time someone says their child was “just kidding” when bullying your child, ask them this, “Would it be okay if he/she said that to you?  Then why is it okay to say to someone his/her own age?”  These families are incubating the next generation of partner and child abusers.  These bullies ridicule someone until they think they are worthless and isolate them until the feel like they are the only ones suffering like this.  Doesn’t that sound awfully familiar?  If someone tries to tell you that their child never actually touched your child, then tell them you’ll send them the therapy bills for the PTSD and social anxiety therapy your child will need in a few more months.

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~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on April 16, 2012.

11 Responses to “Inspirational triggers…”

  1. TAOTBM,
    Did I tell you before how much I appreciate your transparency? You are fantastic. For the button, you just have to change the link in your image gallery, to the one of findingravity… And don’t forget to add the link to your pôst on hers: http://findingravity.com/2012/04/12/findingravity-anti-bullying-link-up/
    Le Clown

    • Thanks for your compliment and help. I did link through her name. I am not smart enough to figure out what you said about the linking thing. That or I am too lazy to try.

      As for my transparency…I could wish I was less so at times. I still remember running around the side of the school building and finding a corner to cry in when I was a kid. I am glad that the Whispering Petunia and Lord Evil Poppy have such wonderful people in their lives as you and Sara.

  2. It’s so damned hard to look back at these childhood traumas. I’m totally with you that bullying often gets dismissed as “kids being kids” or some other diminishing bullshit, and that’s not right. We face this with The Whispering Petunia as he can sit on both sides of the fence.
    May you find healing in your blog and wherever you go.

    • Thank you kindly for your good wishes. It is hard for me to look back on it, especially knowing that many people can and will tell me it was simply sibling rivalry. Being chased with knives, choked, punched, kicked…none of that is okay, whether between siblings or others, children or adults. And insulting someone EVERY DAY multiple times a day is psychological torture.

      If you like fantasy books and haven’t read it, Mercedes Lackey’s Firestorm has a detailed description of bullying that goes on (warning: it goes on for the first quarter? of the book). At the end of it, though, the bullies die and it is exposed as the straight up torture that it was. I mean, I like the book no matter what, but it truly does give a great description of how someone who is bullied can feel and how that fear and terror can grow into a huge, unstable monster in a child’s psyche.

  3. I wish I could send this to every parent of a bully. You’ve really set it all out here. I appreciate your transparency as well; I know it’s hard to talk about this sort of memory. But in my experience it does help.
    My son was bullied in junior high school (the WORST time in my opinion!) because he was somewhat effeminate. I didn’t even know — partially because his father had custody — but also because he was ashamed to tell anyone. It’s the people who dismiss it as “kids being kids” that cause children to be afraid to tell. They may be threatened by the bullies as well. I taught my children about sexual predators and encouraged them to tell me if someone tried to touch them etc., but I never thought to talk to them about bullying.

    • It’s a good thing that bullying has come to the fore for people to talk about, but it is tragic that is taking the death of our youth for people to realize this is a deadly situation. I know that I was horribly ashamed of what my brother was doing. I hid it from others. I didn’t think I was very good at hiding it, but apparently members of my family didn’t know that the abuse was that severe.

  4. Thank you SO much for participating. I am writing the wrap up for my campaign, and I am so inpired by your post. Your writing is so deep and honest, and it really captures what this exersize was all about. xo -C

  5. […] children is one of the most important keys to picking up whether or not they are being bullied. https://theartistryofthebipolarbrain.wordpress.com/2012/04/16/inspirational-triggers/  This blogger discusses that bullies and abusers isolate their victims to make them suffer, and […]

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