Shutting down and apologies.

Well, all, I do have to apologize for not posting this weekend.  I know there are some of you who are worried since I usually post daily or every other day.   I am fine.  I just had a shut down weekend.

You might ask, “What is a shut down weekend?”  It can be a day to amonth, but it rarely lasts for more than a day or two since I have to be able to function.  I was not depressed this weekend.  I was not hypomanic, or sad, or any other feeling.  I was actually (mostly) emotionally shut down.  I had one period of emotional awareness, but beyond that I was pretty flat.  When this happens, everything becaomes washed out.  Not like grays and blacks, but more as if life were a watercolor painting that had a large glass of water poured over it.  The vibrant colors that were there are now pale imitations of the original.

When this happens, I don’t want to be around others because I feel like I am…not worthless as I feel that takes effort…a ghost of myself with incorrect, delayed thoughts and reactions.  As my friends can tell you, I generally have a very quick mind.  You might understand why this is so upsetting to me.  I am incapable of getting anything done, not because I am unhappy or depressed, but because the emotions of needing or wanting to accomplish anything at all are completely absent.  I am actually rather surprised I remembered to feed myself at all.  I missed my meds on Saturday, but I did take them Sunday.  I also was able to keep from getting dehydrated, which is what normally happens when I have these days.

It is like there is a disconnect between parts of my brain and my body.  I can read, but not think or function intelligently.  I can move around, but I can’t pick up and wash clothes.  When these days happen, I end up in pretty severe pain since I spend all my time in bed and don’t move around enough.  Even though the pain is a bright agony on a pale field of nothingness, I am too washed out to worry about it or remember to take my medication to help.  The only good thing about this weekend was that I got lots of sleep and my allergies aren’t as bad as they have been.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Maybe I should do a drawing to demonstrate the feelings…It would be an interesting study if I tried to do identical scenes as shut down, hypomanic, depressed, and level.

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~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on April 9, 2012.

6 Responses to “Shutting down and apologies.”

  1. This does sound vaguely familiar. It’s kind of like the “blah” feeling I get sometimes, but I would usually consider the lack of mental activity to be a depressive symptom. I don’t have to feel miserable to feel off, if you know what I mean, but I don’t have any other name for that weird headspace where things are just not right.

    • I see what you are saying.

      To me, this feeling of shutting down is slightly different from what I feel with depression. I can be depressed and have this feeling, but having this feeling does not necessarily mean I am depressed. Does that make sense? The washed out feeling also goes away fairly quickly. During depression, things seem dark, dreary, and impossible to do. When I shut down during a depressive episode, things are different. I guess my best example would be a color photograph. When I am level, things are just like a regular color photo. When I am hypomanic, the colors are brighter and everything seems more vibrant, more active. When I am depressed, the photograph becomes black and white with hard edges delineating the positive and the negative with me buried in the darkest corner farthest from the light. But the shut down state is any one of these photographs overlaid with a sepia tone, then washed out until you can barely see what the picture is…or was.

      But that is the way I see it. I don’t know how others do.

  2. Absolutely. This resonates with me so much. I resent these times far more than any other “ill” times, simply because there’s nothing there. I’m not depressed, I’m not anxious, I’m just apathetic. And I’ve never had the right words to describe it… until now.

    I’d very much like to see the drawings if you get anywhere with them! Hope you’re doing better now though.
    -JC

    • Thank you for your kind words. I know there are times that I feel something I can’t put into words. When friends, family, and doctors ask me to explain, “I don’t know,” isn’t good enough for them. I am glad to have given you one more way to explain how you feel.

      As for the drawings…We shall have to see. Tomorrow is my art day, so I might work on something.

  3. I have that feeling often. So much that I know to expect it. I almost even schedule it lol. I know it is going to happen so when I know there will be a few days where I wont have to go anywhere or see anyone. I let myself fall into that state of mind while I can without feeling like I should be doing something but I can’t

    • I often try to do the same thing. Since I truly have to remain functional during the week, I sometimes fight through it for a day or two until I can let go on the weekend. It’s still not healthy for me as I often forget to eat and drink enough water. It is better than calling in at work, though. I will say, though, that there are times that this or depression get the best of me, and I do call in. I try not to punish myself for those times and keep them at an absolute minimum.

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