If I could make a decision, I would be dangerous.

It’s not honestly that bad.  I will admit that I prefer for someone else to make the decisions, though.  And, although this might cause someone to take away my feminist card, I would love to find a man who wanted to take care of me…in a non-abusive and less controlling fashion.  🙂  My friends will tell you that I can make a decision and can also be pretty opinionated and stubborn.  But I am talking about something slightly different.  And not making sense probably, but that’s not exactly new.

I was noticing this evening that my mood is all over the place.Which was making me think for a moment that my meds weren’t working.  But thinking further told me that my behavior wasn’t showing any of the symptoms for either hypomania or depression.  At least…not the symptoms that tell me something is wrong.  Yes, I am more active today, but I have more work to accomplish.  Doing more chair dancing, but I like having work to do.  Both of my coworkers were gone at a decent time, so that is also a mood improver.  So, I am in a good mood.  But is it just a good mood or am I sliding into hypomania?  Well, I have no urge to write, draw, or otherwise create.  I should be clear, it is no greater than normal, not that there’s no desire at all.  🙂 And I don’t want to look at books or clothes online.  I did buy my lunch instead of having something I made, but I made that decision before I left for work.  So, I don’t think I am hypomanic.

I keep having these strong moments of insecurity and anxiety.  I’m sitting here having a good day, got to talk to W and he might be walking me out later if we both get off at the same time.  But suddenly, I’ll have stupidly insecure thoughts.  He’s away from his desk working and I’ll think that he’s avoiding the area because he thinks I’m stalking him.  That he thinks I am going to try to take up all of his time, that I am some sort of freak.  Just a moment later, I am thinking how cool it will be if we do manage to walk out together again.  This emotional lability (score one for therapy! just means going up and down) seems to be at least partially standard for me.  Granted, it’s been years since I have been truly level.  For as far back as I can remember, though, I have had these vacillations in my thoughts and emotions.

So does that mean, even when I am level, I will have these small, rapid, ups and downs?  Is that “normal” for me?  And how much of this is triggered by my own insecurities based on my past?  How much of this vacillation is just human?  I know, I am probably over-analyzing the whole thing.  But these are the thoughts that keep me awake at night.  So have I always been prone to more uncertainty emotionally?  If I was already prone to it, possibly via genetics, did my past help to increase it?  And did the hormone and chemical changes of puberty combine with all of this to trigger my bipolar?  Although I was diagnosed at 21, my mom and I are firmly of the belief that both of my brothers and I began having emotional difficulties at puberty, and possibly before that for my brothers.

Now, you might think that this has nothing to do with my life now, but…it does.  Knowing all of these things helps me make decisions about whether I am truly level or stable.  It also opens the door (only the smallest crack) regarding my decision about having children.  It also makes me more comfortable in my skin with a specific amount of uncertainty.

What do you think?  Do you ever feel the same?  Do you wonder about these things?

 

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~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on April 6, 2012.

8 Responses to “If I could make a decision, I would be dangerous.”

  1. I think about these things all the time. I try to seperate the things about me that come from being bipolar from the things that my childhood screwed up. I wasn’t diagnosed until around thirty but I always knew something was wrong with me I just didn’t have a name for it yet. Looking back though, I can see my bipolar as far back as I can remember.
    You know some of that insecure feeling at work may be just normal self consciousness because of W being in and out during the shift at work? You know that girly feeling lol.

  2. I’m really, really struggling with the question of “what’s normal” lately. I’m starting to think that what I’ve believed was normal is actually hypomanic and what I thought was hypomanic is actually manic. Just because I retain enough grip on reality to avoid horrible consequences doesn’t mean the symptoms aren’t pretty severe.

    It’s frustrating to be constantly trying to figure out something this basic!

  3. Hi!

    I also have these issues with “oh my gosh, am I going into an episode”, and whether my behavior is normal or not. I have ‘fun’ hypomanic episodes, but I also have dysphoric episodes, not so fun, and these are the ones that hurt everyone around me, and are hard to recover from mentally for me, and my loved ones.

    I am still a work in progress trying to figure out if my feelings are ‘bipolar driven’ or just part of every day life.

    I also feel that medication can only help us so much and we’ll still experience highs and lows. Hopefully those highs and lows will be not so ‘intense’ or last as long, and recovery to a more ‘normal’ state will take less time. I think everyone has highs and lows and everyone gets upset at times, even those with bipolar. ;o)

    And DeeDee above, please be easy on yourself (I have a hard time following my own advice….) nothing is ‘basic’ when you have bipolar disorder.

    It seems all simple things should be easy, but our minds make some difficult to deal with. Think also that you probably can and DO successfully navigate complicated things/decisions but don’t realize that because of an over focus on the negatives of ‘what we can’t do but should’.

    ((( Hugs to all )))

    Take care, HeatherInTx :O)

  4. I struggle with this too. My big trigger for these feelings is when I text or email someone and they don’t respond back. I always worry that maybe I’ve offended them in some way, or they’re finally just sick of me and my problems and don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. My mind starts reeling and I keep thinking about all of the possibilities for the lack of response and none of them are ever rational. Then, I get depressed and angry and start feeling horrible about myself. It’s frustrating, and then if I do finally hear from the person, I feel guilty for thinking so many negative things. But, that doesn’t stop me from repeating the process the next time. I hate the feeling, but it’s like I have no control over it. That’s what I don’t like the most.

    • I agree completely. I do get this way whenever people don’t respond in a way that I understand or expect. And the guilt is horrible. It makes it hard to get close to people. One of my best friends and I just went through something this weekend caused by these feelings. Luckily, we were able to talk it out. But is does become an issue sometimes since I try to give others more credit than they deserve because I can’t always tell when I am being irrational. Then it becomes difficult to determine if I am right to be upset. It is a huge, ugly ball of wax.

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