I DON’T WANT TO GO TO WORK!!!

Okay…fair warning, if this post is largely not understandable, it is because my thoughts are racing a little coupled with the deep desire to bury my head under the pillow and not come out.

Ever.

I don’t want to go to work.  Honestly, I don’t want to get out of bed.  I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday, but I didn’t make it to work.  There are people in my life that are thinking, “Well, none of us like going to work, just get up and go.”  And I see where they are coming from.  But.  Normally, I might have a little bit of a hard time getting up and getting ready, but I can get to work.  And I like my job.  So what is so different about yesterday and today than normal?

Well, the difficulty in getting up and getting going (to me) is an issue of inertia.  Being in bed is comfortable, warm, etc.  Getting up and functional takes that away.  Once I am up and moving, though, it is generally easier to keep moving than to lay back down.  Yesterday, I got up and went to my appointment.  Rather than staying up, though, I went back to bed.  Granted, I wasn’t sleeping, but it is my safe place.

So why yesterday?  As you all know, last week was very hard for me.  I am still ANGRY in a lot of ways.  Yes, I discussed this with my dr and we are increasing my lithium again.  But that takes time.  Additionally, some of my ANGER is situational.  So I have to deal with the situation as best I can as well as changing meds.  But I knew all of that.  And I made it through last week, so what’s with this week?

I am so tired of having to change my behavior to get along with others when they are being idiots and assholes.  But when I complain, everyone looks at me like I am the weirdo.  I don’t think expecting people to share the work we are supposed to be doing “as a team” and be polite is expecting that freaking much, but apparently it is.  That or the manners my mother taught me are not the same as others are taught.  I am pretty sure that part of the problem is that I am not communicating on the same wavelength as these people.  Their behavior is seen as normal and acceptable.  So when I complain about it, I must be abnormal and unacceptable.  Yes, I know that my boss doesn’t see it that way, but it seems like the other people I work with all do.

I don’t want to go to work.

The question is, how much is situational and how much is my bipolar?  What can I do about it?  How do I keep my self-destructive behaviors (calling in when I can’t afford to) from manifesting?

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~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on March 13, 2012.

6 Responses to “I DON’T WANT TO GO TO WORK!!!”

  1. That’s so difficult to distinguish — situations from bipolar. In my experience, the situation triggers my reaction, but it is the bipolar that makes the reaction so strong. I totally hear you about wanting to stay in bed and pull up the covers! I hope your situation will improve and that the increased lithium will help.
    ~Anita

    • I agree, it’s hard to know which is the chicken and which is the egg. I’m not very good at figuring this out just yet.

      • I’ve been trying to figure it out for 18 years… getting better, but usually my partner or my mother figure it out first!

  2. I’m going with maybe it is a little of both. There is a situation, definitely. But it may be more difficult because of the bipolar. I know situations are a lot harder for me to take because of my illness. I wish you could tune it all out and do what you came to do, but at the same time it isn’t fair that you would have to do that. Work is tretcherous without some communication and small talk. But when it entails all of the chaos, I don’t know what you should do sweety, I’m not the one with an answer cause I would quit.

  3. Did you end up going in to work?

  4. Since I have had so many responses to this concept/issue, I will be writing a complete post about it.

    But I did go to work today.

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