Still ANGRY…And not in the freaking mood…

Okay.  I said this morning that I would be writing a post about art this evening.  And I had every intent to do so.

I lied.

And not just a little.  Even when I typed it in, I was still angry.  My mind is so filled with this freaking red haze that I really can’t see straight.  I had the best idea after talking to my writing partner.  Rather than my own art or writing, I was going to talk about fashion as art.  And how, if I had the money, I would dress.  It was really cool.  I’ll need to remember it for another time.

Because right this minute…I just want to scream.  I know that my issues aren’t as tragic as I would like to believe.  But they are my issues, so they are tragic to me.  I am also fully aware that I am blowing things out of proportion but…what the freak ever.  It’s how I am thinking/feeling right now.  Every little thing is frustrating me right now, so I am pretty sure that it is, at least in part, something that is a reaction to the stabilization of the meds.

But.

What the hell, it’s my blog, so I’ll say what I am thinking.  It’s not like I would actually do anything I am about to say.  [BTW, for legal purposes, none of the concepts or thoughts below this are in any way going to be acted upon.]

How childish does a person have to be to go off on me for something stupid, and then not speak to me the next day like it’s my freaking fault?  Good thing she didn’t have any work for me, huh?  I felt like walking up behind her and smashing her head into the desk.

And why does it take a freaking email threat to be sent home for people to actually start working their scheduled hours?  It’s not like I am allowed to waltz in and out of here according to my own freaking schedule!  Drop-kicking or punting their heads through the window would be good for this.  I bet it wouldn’t happen again!

I understand that childcare isn’t cheap, but what the hell is so expensive that you can’t find someone to take care of yur child for 2 freaking hours a day?  At least it’s back to 2 hours or so.  I mean, who takes their 5 yo child to work with them for SIXhours?  And how is that convenient for anyone?  Hmmmm…I think this is just CPS territory.  Let them figure out of it’s neglect…and take a couple years with monthly home visits to do so.  Well that, and being walked out after being fired.

Why does a company plan a company-wide reward dinner for great work from 11-12:30?  It might be okay if we only had one shift, but we have 3.  Granted, with 3rd shift, there’s not a whole lot that is going to be convenient (I should know, I worked 3rd for years), but…it certainly seems pretty prejudiced.  And yes, I am fully aware that there are more people on 1st and the time is probably actually the best time they could come up with…But I am frustrated so it gets included.  I mean, I think the freaking President should have a separate dinner for 2nd and 3rd shifts (like 8pm, because that would cover both) to acknowledge that we worked out butts off, too.  But apparently that would cut into his beauty sleep…or his happy hour, whichever.

I get that my therapist is the voice of reason and all of that.  And I like my therapist.  But when I bring up getting an ESA (Emotional Support Animal), asking me what I am talking about is a little freaky.  And I get that it would isolate me further from my coworkers just as much as it would keep me from choking the life from the pathetic bodies.  But, really, how much more isolated from these people could I be?!?!  Yes, there are people I work with that are actual human beings…But they wouldn’t be nosy and rude about why I have a dog when I tell them it’s for medical reasons.  As for those who would be…what the hell do I care about their opinion?  Considering that an ESA would be most necessary to get me out of my apartment, keep me on a schedule, and keep me from going postal on my idiot coworkers…I think getting permission to bring a dog to work would be well worth the issues and the difficulties.  Of course there’s a small part of me that would get great satisfaction out of telling my coworker’s kid…No, you can’t pet the puppy since it is a medical assist/working dog.  Now go away.  But that’s just because I’m a bitch.

And what is so damn difficult about picking up a phone and returning a phone call?  Or making one?  Now, my family is notorious for this one!  I call a family member and leave a message telling them I called, and…nothing.  Not a damn thing.  When I am on the phone with a family member, I tell them to call me later or they tell me they will call me later, and…nothing.  Again!  Really?  Really?  (And for those of you who have never heard me speak, that is said with much sarcasm, eye-rolling, and emphasis on the second repeat.)  Now, I know that two of my family members who are notorious about this read this blog.  So, for both of you, if you feel bad, pick up the damn phone.  Now for the other family member that does this…I don’t know if he reads this although I have given him the address. 

For the life of me, what is so GD difficult about notifying a person their password is about to expire?  I use two computers at work.  One is for my company and the other is for the company that owns the contract.  As you might imagine, I do most of my work on the owner’s computer.  But I need to use my company PC to back up documents.  And periodically one of the password will expire (I don’t know the exact timing since the freaking thing has three passwords).  So I lose at least one day’s worth of work.  And that is if I am lucky.  Sometimes it takes quite a while to get the password reset.  Nothing comes up on the screen to tell me the dang thing is about to expire.  I used the frigging computer last night!  And that is when it’s the passwords.  I have managed to make this computer give errors that the IT staff have never seen.  Yes, apparently I am talented.  Every one of our databases hates me.  You might think I am exagerrating, but…not so much.  I work with three databases.  Two are on my regular computer and one on the company computer.  More than once, I have been unable to use two of the three.  And it’s not just databases.  A few weeks ago, I had to have my brand new laptop worked on.  They gave me a loaner while they did.  It was slow, but okay.  When I went to work on the company PC…not working.  So I broke my laptop and the company PC.  And one of the databases was acting up.  Are you freaking kidding me?!?!?!  So, in a professional environment, why do they not have nioifications popping up telling people their passwords are about to expire?  My laptop (I say mine, it’s the contract owner’s) notifies me that the password is about to expire in X days (normally within a week).  It asks me if I want to reset it now or wait.  So it is more than a little irritating for it to take a whole day for me to get a password reset.  And, like I said, that’s if it happens quickly.  I might not get it back up and running until Monday.  It makes me want to start drowning IT people…or at least some of them.

I know that these situations are not that big a deal.  It’s just like I know that there is some frustration with one of my friends.  I know that he is depressed and having personal issues.  And I completely understand that he has to take care of stuff there at home.  But there’s a part of me that is sitting here thinking bad things because he doesn’t want to share with me.  He has every right in the world to feel and act the way he does.  But the frustration level being in code red means that it irritates me when I would normally be, “Okay, cool.”  And trust me, I have said this to him because I can tell that my frustration with him is NOT rational.  [BTW, you know who you are.  PLEASE don’t freak out about this.  I’m really not actually mad at you.  Possibly the situation a little for upsetting you, but not you!]

So my irritation and frustration levels are completely off the chart.  I am just barely at the point where I can say that I am angry.  The only person I have really said that to before (that I can recall) is my Mom.  I may have said it to others in the past, but it was not the same emotion I am talking about now.  In my mind, true anger threatens my realtionships with others.  It was beaten into me that, if you got angry, you abused those around you.  I can be frustrated, irritated, peeved, pissed off…But to be truly ANGRY is terrifying.  According to Clown on Fire, I think I should be calling this RAGE, but that is just as scary to someone like me.  You see, my brother got ANGRY with me and hit, slapped, punched, kicked, choked, or otherwise hurt me and my Mom.  [FYI, I have 2 brothers in case I confuse you at some point.]  If I got ANGRY back, I got more of the same.  If I got ANGRY with a friend or other person, they no longer spoke to me.  So getting ANGRY is a very very bad thing in my mind.

I can say I am irritated or frustrated more easily right now.  Honestly, though, I am operating on a hair trigger at this point.  The only reason I haven’t called the doctor is that I already have an appointment on Mon day.  Not a whole lot can be done before then, anyway.  The only good thing I can say about a childhood like mine is that it taught me to be very self-contained.  The chances that I will lash out at anyone else are infintessimal.  Well, unless you happen to be one of my best friends or family members.  Good thing they all read this so they have gotten their warnings.  I mean, I am so close to the edge that I feel like I am going to burst into tears of anger any freaking minute.   And I have no idea how much sense, if any at all, this post makes as I have been skipping around.  Whatever.  Y’all will live.

I want to curl in a ball at home and avoid people until I can see the doctor, but that’s not happening.  Freaking work that gives me money that keeps me in, I don’t know…food and a home.

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~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on March 8, 2012.

10 Responses to “Still ANGRY…And not in the freaking mood…”

  1. there you go gurl! I hope that helped a little bit. I’m sure it would have been better if you could’ve said all that standing in the middle of the office at work but, I’m glad you let off some steam. I wish you could take today off but I know that is not an easy thing to do when you depend on the money. But it would be nice if you could go to your appointment before you had to deal with that stuff anymore. I hope and pray that you have a good weekend. I hope there is something you can do special for yourself or that someone can do for you to pamper you. hugs!

  2. Rant away! It helps.

    No worries about the content of your blog posts matching up to promises. Actually, I’d recommend not promising any particular themes to blog posts; then you’d have no reason to feel bad about it. Wouldn’t that be nice? For your regular readers, the theme of the post doesn’t matter. We’ll read anyway. 🙂

  3. I fully understand. This will be difficult for you to believe, when I am at the same place you are, which seems to be a lot since I moved here, I cry. It doesn’t really help except I don’t keep stuff bottled up inside.

  4. I had put an x on all chain-letter awards, but The Very Inspiring Blogger one got to me, and I thought you deserved it too:
    http://clownonfire.wordpress.com/the-awards-circus

  5. I’m glad that you got it out there instead of keeping it all inside of you. hugs.

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