Sorry! Bad, Eli!

I know, I know.  I was supposed to post something about art yesterday.

I didn’t.  Now, there are many and varied reasons the post didn’t get written, not the least of which was a severe bout of angry coupled with a dose of exhaustion that waylaid me.  Even now, that anger lurks in the back of my mind and I am trying to find ways to cope and hopefully expel it (preferably not all over my coworkers).  If I had any personal days left, I would take one today since I am a bit…fragile.  I feel like the wrong word could send me into a screaming fit or tears.  Well, really, just tears.

I don’t do screaming fits.  Mostly because it was beaten into my head that screaming fits are dangerous, unhealthy, and terrifying.  And I do mean beaten, by the way.  I wonder sometimes how I would act if that hadn’t been done, but you never know, do you?

So I do the silent anger thing.  I have tried doing the “talk it out” thing, but it only gets me in trouble.  That is actually how the anger got to be as big as it is this time.  I think my irritability factor is a little high.  That’s not unusual for me when I start to stabilize.  If I could afford Abilify, a really low dose takes those edges off, but let’s get real.

So we’ll just say I am a little easier to irritate than normal.  On top of that, I went in to work early for a specialized class.  Not normally a big deal.  But after I said that I thought I would do really well working in the area the man was teaching us about, both of my coworkers chimed in that they thought they would do well there also and blah blah blah.  The field he was talking about is one that is intensely detailed and paperwork-focused.  I am very good at these things.  Don’t get me wrong, one of my coworkers is just as good at it.  I can’t see her changing jobs, though, since she runs her own little fiefdom over here.

My other coworker…Let’s call her M.  She spends all day, every day, socializing.  Especially with the bosses.  Not really a problem for me except when she stays late and is on Skype or chatting and doesn’t get her work done, so I have to do it.  It takes her twice as long to get the same things accomplished than it takes my first coworker (let’s call her F).  Granted F has been doing the job for years.  But M has been doing it for at least four months solid and for a couple months before that off and on.  So it really shouldn’t be taking her so long.  Especially since it doesn’t take me nearly as long.  Of course, I don’t do it because it has to be done “in a timely manner” (within 24 hours).  I don’t really understand that since I am there all night, but whatever.  I don’t make those calls.

So here is M, chatting and giggling on her computer, with her daughter with her (I won’t get into this now), disrupting my work, and she thinks she would be good at a job that demands being detail-oriented?  Don’t get me wrong, she does get her job done..I just have no idea why or how she gets away with all that she does.  And maybe in some twisted way I am jealous of her, but I don’t think so.  She just drives me batty.

Now let’s add in that F talks to one of my coworkers like he is trash (we’ll call him A).  I know that F and A are joking around when she speaks like this, but yesterday, my irritation level was so high that I finally said something.  And F went off on me about being in her business and blah blah blah.  The fact that me desk is physically between their desks apparently was no reason to stick my nose in.  So I put my headphones on and went back to work.

I think I just need to put my headphones on as soon as I get to work and only take them off if someone is talking to me.  And my therapist thinks an ESA at work will further isolate me?  My coworkers are doing just fine at that.

But!  All of this started about my Art post.  I hope to get that posted this afternoon/evening.  Sorry, folks!

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~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on March 8, 2012.

7 Responses to “Sorry! Bad, Eli!”

  1. When you have anger building up inside you, you must let it out somewhere like here on your blog if no where else. I don’t know what your therapist says about it but anger pent up is really unhealthy both mentally and physically. Not that you should be able to tell everyone off when you want, you know I don’t mean that, but there has to be somewhere you can let the stream out. I hope things get better at work. I hope you get that job you are suited for and that F and M stay put where they are at. Hug

    • You are so sweet!

      F didn’t speak with me at all today. Not too bad. As for M…Well, I only had to speak to her about work stuff for the most part. I did want to smack her kid (I never would!) today, though. In general I ignore the child because I don’t think they should be at work. If I wanted to work with children, I would work in a daycare. Now, I am not saying she’s not cute or a good kid. She is. But she’s 5. So today, I have my headphones on and am very focused on my computer. Out of the corner of my eye, I suddenly see a head or dark hair. Because my computer is in the corner of mu cubicle, it’s actually hard to get into that position. She was right next to my chair on the left side. And kept trying to inch closer to get my attention. I have no idea if she was talking to me because I wasn’t taking off my headphones. Even with me completely ignoring her, it took M several minutes before she realized the kid was there, then she had to call her at least twice. *sighs* And my irritation level is supposed to be going down?

      But I am going to be thinking about how to apply for the other department. Since they are with the company directly (I work for a contract company) it might be interesting. And eventually, everything gets better here.

      • you shouldn’t have to work with your headphones on though unless you just are wanting to. I’ve worked in an office full of cubicles before. I know its hard to keep everyone out of your business. I do hope you can get inot the other department. I will say a prayer for you hug!

  2. Headphones sound like a great idea. I only have to deal with my idiot co-worker but she already makes me feel like giving her the silent treatment. Since you can’t headphones seem like the way to go. I also agree with the above poster- you need to get your anger out somehow. Inside of you its just going to hurt you and eventually cause you to lash out at others.

    • Yeah…I am still working on how to get the anger out. It only took me years to actually admit to true anger. Getting it out might take a little while. And see my previous response if you want your blood pressure to go up. 😉

  3. We seemed to be all synced this week when it comes to the topics we are covering. Take care.

    • Thanks bunches! You are right about the syncing. Honestly, though, it has taken me years to even admit to anger. And never at anyone important. Since my irritation level is only getting worse, we shall see what happens. *sighs* At least I see the dr on Monday. I only have to make it through today and Friday without killing anyone.

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