Yay for loud freaking noises

It’s going to be at least an hour until I get to sleep.  I was planning on going to sleep after I responded to the latest comment.  But no.  Somebody near my apartment complex made it go boom.  Fairly loudly since I know it had to be at least a couple blocks away.  I have no idea what the sound was, but it sure didn’t sound like a car accident.  Oh goody, now I hear police cars.  As if the loud boom weren’t enough.

You might not understand why a loud boom would keep me up, aside from the fact that in this neighborhood it  has a good chance of being a gun shot.  Yeah…and the police cars sound like they are right down the road.  So the possibility of  it being a gun shot are even higher.  Yay.  And even more police.  Yippy frickin’ skippy.

The loud noise would have kept me up anyway.  I don’t need the police and everything else stressing me out as well.  So you might ask, why would just the loud noise keep me awake?  (I assume the thought of a gunshot nearby would keep almost everyone up.)

I have a touch of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).  Now, how can I have PTSD if I have never been in a war zone or a victim of a violent crime?  Because I was attacked for two years as a kid.  My brother would attack on a whim, slamming doors and screaming at us right beforehand.  I could change the TV channel when he wasn’t even in the room and he would come in and start hitting me, saying he was watching whatever had previously been on.  I am not saying I am a saint.  There were times that I did things I  knew would set him off (I was a pre-teen/teenager after all).  But this took place for 2 years.  Living in fear for so long has made me jumpy.  Sounds that remind me of that time make my heart race and pour adrenaline into my bloodstream.  Even though I know those sounds have nothing to do with me, I still react the way I was trained.  Over time, the reaction has lessened, but it hasn’t gone away.  On very rare occasions (usually when there is yelling between a male and female close to me) I am back in that place, huddling in my room or trying to get away.

So I won’t be getting any sleep for a couple hours or so.  Considering I haven’t been sleeping great anyway…this is a bad thing.  At least I see my therapist tomorrow.


~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on February 14, 2012.

8 Responses to “Yay for loud freaking noises”

  1. I would be startled by those noises too. I hope you did have a good nights sleep finally after you relaxed.

  2. Well, I have finally calmed down (and eaten), so I am going to get some water and try again. Thank goodness my appointment isn’t until 1pm.

    Thank you for your kind response.

  3. It always amazes me that people don’t have similar reactions to violent stimuli that we, as people with PTSD here and there, have. You know I’m not saying that you and I have the same PTSD or that our responses are the same. But the flight or fight, the startle response, the trouble sleeping, the nightmares, the mood swings, the blah blah blah are all there to some degree or another. And it’s damn weird seeing people not react with fear to a man and woman yelling or shaking when people recount rape in a movie. At least for me. But then again lots of people are always weird to me on some level or another.

    You know I’m here. I’ll wait to text you until you text me so that I don’t wake you. I’m not in class until 6pm so you freaking call me if you need to, want to, get bored enough to, etc.

    One thing to look forward to here- our neighbors are nearly silent :).

    • I agree that it is hard to find those people in our lives that mesh with our souls. I am so lucky to have three of you here for me.

      For those of us who have PTSD, it truly is difficult to understand why people wouldn’t have the same reaction. I am just thankful that my reaction has tamed down over the years.

      • Me too. I think both of us screaming and ducking for cover at the sound of a car back firing would be pretty bad. So you can scream and I’ll cover you until it’s safe to come out again.

      • And you have just demonstrated one more reason you are one of my best friends, dear! Only you would be able to say that without me slapping you upside the head and smiling instead. Good thing I love you, huh? 😉

      • Very good thing you love me. And you knew exactly what I meant. Sometimes you cower, sometimes I cower, sometimes we draw guns and start spraying bullets. It’s all chocolate in the end.

  4. *hug* Nothing brilliant to say.

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