Depression and other randomness

This weekend has not gone horribly well for me.  I had plans to get many things done and none of them have been completed at this time.  When I finish this post at least one of them has to get done.  I’ve got to go get my meds.  Since I am out of lithium, this is important.  I also really want to get the trash taken out since it stinks.  As long as I am taking it out, I figure I should pick as much as will fit in the bag.  That in and of itself will allow me to feel a little more comfortable in my apartment.

Since I actually do have to get up and accomplish a few things today, I am thinking I might even make the effort to change the sheets since I have been spending way too much time in bed.  I wish I had been sleeping, but sadly, that is not the case.  When my apartment looks like it does, I tend to hibernate in bed.  I take my computer and hang out in here all the time.  Mostly because getting to the couch would be such a chore.

I have the feeling that I am dropping out of the hypomanic phase I have been in.  Talking to one of my friends yesterday & today made it more apparent when they asked me about it.  I can also see some of my negative thoughts popping up in my thoughts when they haven’t been lately.  It’s not that I don’t think negative thoughts all of the time, but when I am depressed, they tend to be more obvious and go against evidence in front of me.

As an example, my friend was supposed to come over today.  We were both up at 4 in the morning due to not being able to sleep.  We talked at the time and decided to delay him coming over at lest for a few hours.  After speaking to him a while ago, I made the decision to set the whole thing back until next weekend.  We are both feeling pretty bad and I figure that is a bad combination.  Now knowing all that, and knowing it was my decision to delay it, I still have a voice in the back of my head that is telling me he just didn’t want to come over, he thinks I am worthless (because I am), and my apartment is disgusting to him.  Logically, I know that none of that is true, but I keep hearing that thought and it is getting louder.

Another thing that is making me a little crazy is the thoughts attached to this blog.  Now, I am thrilled with the way this blog is going.  I feel like I might just be reaching people in a way they need and I am trying for.  Last week, I was over the moon about my stats and reception of my posts.  Today, I almost didn’t write this post because of the voice in my head telling me how worthless I am, that no one is going to read this tripe, I am wasting my time.  I am pretty sure that none of that is true.  My stats tell me none of that is true, but the thought is there and getting louder.

So these negative thoughts are always in my head, but not to this degree and definitely very much lessened in the face of demonstrable reality.  So I think I am on a downward slide.  I want so very much to keep up with this blog and the rest of my life.  So I am hoping that the meds will help keep me from going quite as deep as I have done in the past.  They might not be perfect, but I can always hope that they are helping enough.

The other thing I have been doing this weekend that generally indicates a downward slide is reading without being online much at all.  Because it is one of my primary social outlets, me not going online for a day is rare.  Although I have checked email, I have failed to really check FB.  Since reading is my escape, I think that doing too much of it is a bad thing.  I also bought books this weekend that I couldn’t afford.  Although reckless spending is one of my main symptoms of hypomania, I also buy books during depressive phases.  The difference is that I check my bank balance and don’t care that I shouldn’t be spending the money because it’s not like I matter, or things will ever get better.

So I am not real happy right now, not only in the sense of depression, but because I am disappointed with myself.  I know it is the depression, but I cannot help but think that I am always going to be in this hole personally and financially.  Sigh

I really have to go get my lithium now.  And even that, I am putting off until the very last minute since the pharmacy closes in an hour and a half.  😦

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~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on February 12, 2012.

8 Responses to “Depression and other randomness”

  1. Um… friend from Sunday here. I know it’s horrible, but it’s NOT about you. You — are wonderful, caring and thoughtful. My house is a disaster and I do everything I can to run away from it, and helping someone else is a great way to not be in my place. Pain, however, makes for lousy company, and I’m feeling crappy and woozy and would be LOUSY company.

    I say this not just to elicit instinctive pity by all readers, but to gently point out that actions of others frequently, usually, almost always are not passive aggressive zings at you. And I say THIS in this forum because you are so brave and honest to share your thoughts, and therefore it’s the least I can do to do the same.

    Next weekend will do, but I suggest a Saturday morning around 10, so we can get Youngest to her place and then spend a metered, timed, structured day by your place.

    But yeah, at least take the garbage out. 🙂

    XO!!!

  2. You wrote your blog – that’s one thing you can cross of the list. Well done.

  3. yeah, when I get depressed to the point where I’m not keeping up with the house work, especially with all my animals, then I am really depressed and then the mess makes me even more depressed. I hope you can get out of that funk soon and have a good day.

  4. *ponders* I could always threaten to go down and clean it for you. Hey, my house was similar, and just spend the last two days cleaning with my mother-in-law. It’s humbling when not only do you need help, but especially if it’s from your mother-in-law. I have 6 bags of trash outside that didn’t fit in my canister, and pickup is Wednesday. So you’re not alone, houses accumulate junk, and it’s hard to get started some days.

    You’re not worthless, you just need some help / encouragement. We all do some days. I’d suggest starting small, even portioning down areas like “clean off the couch”, “pick up the living room floor”, “clean off coffee table”. That way it’s a list with lots of little things to cross off, and it gives that encouraging sense of accomplishment.

    • Thank you. If I can just get one thing done per day this week (other than going to work), I think that will help a lot. We shall have to see what happens. I know that my friends will encourage me without making me feel completely incompetent.

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