I’m really not a complete bitch.

I was looking back over my posts and comments and I want to apologize if I came across as self-righteous or obnoxious. 

I keep mentioning my friends and my family.  I am beyond thankful every day for having them, but… 

I don’t mean to throw these relationships in your face or feel like I am saying that this is all easy if only you have people to support you.  I know that a lot of you feel/are alone in this journey.  Your feelings are incredibly valid.  I am not you.  In no way am I meaning to say that I am you or have walked in your shoes.  We each travel this life on a different path.  Sometimes your path runs close to another, but sometimes they just cross your path once and are gone.  Others cross back and forth across your path in such a way that your path is nearly obliterated.  Being wary of others is safe

If I make it look easy, trust me, these relationships are built on tears, words, and love.  I was diagnosed 14 years ago.  My Mom initially didn’t want to believe me at all.  Over time, she has learned a lot.  But I will be honest and tell you that her acceptance and support has not always been unconditional.  Now, she never meant to be hurtful, but she truly didn’t understand.  Our relationship changes all the time.  She works hard to understand where I am coming from and I try to understand where she is coming from as well.  And we still have misunderstandings and difficult days.  Other members of my family have very little contact with me and that is the way they like it.

As for my friends, one of them I have known over ten years.  He and I have also had our issues.  We have only been comfortable with each other on all levels for the last three years or so.   My other two friends I have known over six years each. And reaching out to trust them was hard.  After my past, the fact that two of the three people I call my best friends are male just floors me.  Then again, when I was younger, I got along better with guys than girls.

But there have been times that I have reached out and started to trust someone and have been smacked back hard.  Sometimes it has felt like someone took a bat to me, my heart was so bruised.  Other times, someone reached out to me and I couldn’t reach back.  And I felt like I had hit them!  So how did I finally decide who to reach out to, who to trust?  Not a clue.

That is a question each of us have to answer on our own.


~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on February 8, 2012.

4 Responses to “I’m really not a complete bitch.”

  1. seriously!! hard to to know who to trust :/

  2. I’m not alone either. Thanks for making me feel not-guilty about that! I’m really good at relationships, and apparently that’s unusual enough among the mentally interesting that it alienates some folks. I have sympathy for them, but it ain’t me either.

  3. “IT”, I tagged you with Mrs. Sparkly’s Ten Commandments:
    Go to my blog aTAG! You’re nd get all the information http://carlarenee45.wordpress.com/

  4. I really appreciate all of these responses.

    Luv: It is very hard when it comes to trusting.

    Disorderlychickadee: Very true. I am afraid that people will feel alienated when that is not my intent in the least. I am sure that you can empathize as well since there are times in everyone’s life that we feel completely alone. And I hope that anyone that feels that way still feels comfortable reading this blog. I actually want to give people hope that there *are* people out there that we can trust and will be there for us. It takes a while and your paths might separate for a while, but they might come back into your life at just the right time, or they may hang tough through all the ugly stuff. We need to be on the lookout for these people. They make living with bipolar a lot less painful.

    Carlarenee: I am going to have to post that soon. 🙂

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