My Humiliation is Complete.

Okay.  As hard as it was, I took the pictures of my apartment.  I was going to try to upload them individually, but I realized that 7 photos was a bit much.  So I decided to link them here.  Hopefully the link works for everyone.  That should make it so y’all can see the album with the pictures of my apartment as it is right now.

I didn’t want to go to sleep last night nor get up this morning because of my anxiety about these pictures.  It might seem as though this was easy for me.  Let me tell you, it was not.  My anxiety level is through the roof.  I almost hope the link doesn’t work and no one can see the disaster that is my home and life.

One of my goals with this blog, though, is to be honest, both with you and with myself.  I told you I would post the pictures.  If I did not, that would mean that I did not respect either of us enough to keep my word.  And I am trying to respect myself and those around me.

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~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on February 7, 2012.

17 Responses to “My Humiliation is Complete.”

  1. It isn’t so bad that it can not be fixed up nice on a good day. But you have to take advantage of those good days.

  2. Um, you’ve been in my house, right? My bedroom, until last Saturday, had yours beat (I went a little nuts that day — promise I won’t do it again soon).

    Seriously, you might try this approach: pretend your apartment is an archaeological dig. Divvy rooms into squares, and work from the squares nearest the windows backwards towards the door. 10 minute timer, with fun sandwiched between the squares (okay, collapse if fun’s not on the menu).

    I think you’re beating yourself up to call it humiliation: there are plenty of folks who don’t have BPD who are just plain slobs. We had a woman clean our house several years (and houses) ago. One day she came up to us and said: “I can’t possibly clean your house: it’s too dirty.”

    So work harder on the mess. Or call it ‘stylistic order’ and leave it as it is. 🙂

    • It’s always different when it is your own home. Remember, my Mom taught me to keep everything clean. So this really makes me crazy. I also think my house is much worse than yours. *hug*
      I was going to ask you a couple questions. When you get a chance, give me a call?

  3. Thanks for being brave and sharing. I understand that it must be extremely difficult to open yourself up like that, but I do believe opening yourself up is just a step towards letting go of some anxiety. Cheers ^_^

    • It is very hard to share much of this. You are right, though. In opening myself, I am allowing for healing and releasing some long-held negativity. Like wound that has healed over a pocket of infection, I need to cut it open and allow all of those negative thoughts and feelings about myself bleed out until they come clean. It takes a lot of work for this to happen, and I will always need more healing, but at least I am on my way. And hopefully, I can give people hope in their own healing journey.

  4. You’re very brave for posting pics, but you’re not a slob. Right now our room looks worse than this and you haven’t seen the whole house. Nor will anyone living :P. What I do see though is a lack of organization and a general amount of clutter. Since I’m a glass half full kind of girl here’s the positives- you have sheets on your bed! You have a matching bed set! You can see the floor! You don’t have bugs! You don’t have stains on the floor! Aside from the clutter it looks pretty damn clean!

    And I like Shlomi’s idea and am going to implement it shortly. Here’s another idea- you’ve got tons of clothes that you don’t wear, right? Spacebags to the rescue! or giant bins like you have your books in. You’ve got open space, we can stack them floor to ceiling and then they will be there but they’ll be out of the way. We’ll figure this out. All of us working together. You’ve got a great team here of people that love you.

    And I’m proud of you for posting the pics. Thank you. Big hugs and much love!

  5. I’ve seen worse…my sons’ rooms for example..(both bipolar)

  6. Oh, honey, that’s really not that bad. I’ve seen FAR worse. But that shouldn’t stop you from trying to fix it. I agree, sheets on the bed means you have my ex-sister-in-law beat by a mile, and she was just a slob. No need for shame; it’s hard to take care of the details when you feel awful so often.

    There are some methods that can help reduce clutter if there’s just plain too much stuff. One is packing everything up as though you were going to move, and only removing items to use as needed. Pretty soon you find you didn’t need as much stuff as you had. I like the archeological dig idea too. I usually just start with one room in one corner and make it as good as I can get. Usually once I’m warmed up to the task, I move on to the next adjacent area…

    • I have left stuff in totes for months (the ones you see are those I moved in October) and then thrown it out. I should probably think of doing it again.

      Thank you for your kind thoughts and suggestions. I do know I am going to have to figure out how to break it up, just not sure how. 🙂

  7. Eli,
    Since you were strong enough to post the picts, I need to tell you a few things.
    !. I can definitely say it is not bad at all. It is cluttered and you need to find places for everything. It will be hard but you CAN do it. The idea of having a friend or 2 over while you are doing this is an inspired thought. They can also give you suggestions on how and where things should go.
    2. You are one of strongest people I know. You may not see it that way but from the time you were diagnosed you have tried to hang tough all these years.
    3. I love to be able to see what you are thinking and am beginning to understand more of what you go through on a daily basis. Others may be able to learn from this blog because your honesty here is inspiring.
    Keep up the good work and know you are loved always!
    Give everyone my love,
    Mom

    • Your love and understanding pare art of what makes me able to do this at all.

      Many people might be shocked that I have given this blog address to my mom, brother, and best friends. But these people are my support system. I need them to know where I am in my head and in my life. My friends and family can only help and support me if they know what is going on. If they don’t have a clue, they are caught flat-footed when I admit myself to the hospital. They wantto help me. They have every desire in the world to be here for me. So why shouldn’t I share all of this with them. It’s hard, but it is worth it when we are out with others and someone says someting that triggers me and they make sure I am okay and draw the person away without calling attention to my difficulty.

      What it comes down to is that these are the people in my life that I trust not to hurt me with the information. I completely understand others who don’t want to get hurt keeping their identity a secret and not sharing with those around them. Especially if they cannot trust them not to use the information against them. But I am thankful every day I have the people in my life that I do. If you have someone in your life you trust, that is trying to understand what is going on with you, think about sharing your own blog with them. You can also point them my way if you think my blog would be valuable in translation. We all need that support at times.

  8. you can turn this into an Apple Store in no time. we’ve all been there. and the apple store is so much better. x

  9. Messy, but not dirty. Brave, too. Thanks for sharing. I’m so interested in your therapist’s comment about this being typical for those with mood disorders. Gonna have to investigate that.

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