Oops! My bad!

Okay, so for the rest of you, this is technically Tuesday.  But since I just got off work, this is still my Monday.  So I am going to count this as my Monday post.  Honestly, today was such a mess, I can barely talk about it.

So I went to my appointment on about 2 hours of sleep.  I didn’t have all of the paperwork they asked for, so I am going to have to get the rest.  And some of it I cannot get.  So I don’t know how this is going to work out at all.  Tomorrow I have to get gas, the bare minimum of groceries (like milk, eggs, bread, peanut butter and pot pies), and figure out how much money I have, how much I will get for the next two paychecks.  (One of which will have overtime for sure, yay!!!)  Then I need to calculate all of my outgoing expenses from that amount, including phone, rent, insurance, therapy appts, scripts, and gas again.  Oh, and I need to call the electricity company and see if we can work out payments…small ones.  I am thinking that is definitely going to be more than my income, but we shall have to see.

I have been trying very hard not to spend much, if anything, although I did have a bad episode last night and bought books.  I know, many of you are sitting there thinking, what is wrong with buying books?  For me, they are almost an addiction.  To give you a clue, 3 years ago, I had my apartment professionally cleaned out and organized.  They took out 13 small boxes of books to donate.  This still left me with at least 3 30 gallon totes of books.  At the time, I decided to go digital so I wouldn’t have to buy shelves.  This fall, I had to go through a storage unit I had been sharing with my parents because they had divorced and I couldn’t afford it on my own.  I had the equivalent of at least 8 of the 30 gallon tubs full of books.  No, I am not kidding.  I got rid of all but 3 (although I was going through them so fast, I missed books I wanted to keep).  So now I have 6 or so of the totes taking up room in my apartment.  Although, I do have to be pretty proud of myself for letting go of so many books (proof that I am not a hoarder, which I worried about).  Of course, since I went digital…I have approximately 1000 titles on my computer, if not more.  Now, some of them are short stories, but…that is a lot of reading.  And when I am stressed out, I read and buy books.  So you might be able to see why I consider my books and reading a type of addiction.  BTW, I am not belittling those who have hard-core addictions, I am just trying to show people that a good thing can be bad if not in moderation.

I have a few other things to try to come up with the money if the people I went to yesterday cannot help out, which include asking family and a close friend.  Sighs.  I don’t really want to do so, but I will if I have to.  I also have a great friend here that can and will cook for me and let me have leftovers.  Which is how I get away with so few groceries.  Although I have to say, for those on tight budgets, have you discovered the greatness of pot pies?  If you go for the smaller size (because trust me they are filling if you have a piece of fruit or something with them), they can be microwaved or heated in the oven.  Which is great for me since I have a micro at work and an oven here at home.  And they can be as cheap as $.68 each.  At least here in TX.

So I really am trying.  I just hope it helps.  I am also going to actually start looking for a job Thursday.  I have to be up for my therapy appt anyway, so what the hell.  Hopefully this will work out for me in the long run and I will be able to get financially stable and actually pay some of my debt.

I would have to say, though, that I seem very up and down right now.  My spending and not sleeping says hypomania, but my exhaustion and lack of desire to do a damn thing says depression.  So I have no idea.

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~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on January 24, 2012.

4 Responses to “Oops! My bad!”

  1. There’s no shame in book addition; I’m a sufferer too. I’ve bought books rather than food in the past, and would do it again. They’d be the last thing to go.

  2. “BTW, I am not belittling those who have hard-core addictions, I am just trying to show people that a good thing can be bad if not in moderation.”

    brilliant statement.

    my eating disorder spiraled into SO many damn addictions, all seemingly good to civilians, but terribly bad for someone like me with such obsessive control issues. i look forward to reading more of your blog. and i hope that you can find the money that you need. xxx

    • Thank you for your good wishes and the follow! I think those with ED might understand my issues more than others. It is not like I can avoid books in my life. I just need to learn how to have moderation and stop using them as an emotional escape.

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