Okay…I lied.

I told myself that I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the blog if I promised to post daily or something ridiculous like that.  And since then, I have felt the need to talk almost daily.  (Just because I don’t post doesn’t mean I didn’t want to or shouldn’t have.)  So…where does that leave me now?

I think I am going to keep posting artistic items on Wednesday and informational stuff on Fridays.  I will post my own thoughts and feelings on Mondays, at a minimum.  So I might be posting about my own feelings a lot more often, or not.  We shall have to see.  For right now, I will continue posting as often as I feel the need.  You never know.  This blog may go the way of the knitting I learned or the physical therapy I am supposed to do.  Over time I did them less and less until I forgot how to do them at all.

I am having a hard time this weekend because I am terrified about my finances.  I have a meeting Monday to meet with someone that might be able to help me out on an emergency basis.  And I got the electricity bill finally.  Quite the shock to see that it is $300.  I mean, I know I owe fees and all of that, but what they gave me certainly doesn’t explain why it is so high.  Especially since the only charges they delineate for me add up to a grand total of $24.13.  Suffice to say I am a little confused.  I will have to call them on Monday.

Monday is just going to be a huge ball of fun, then.

I may also have a meeting with my boss, but I don’t know yet.  And I won’t know until I get there.  On Friday, I was doing my job and completely forgot that I was supposed to be doing a special job for one of my bosses until 10 minutes before I am supposed to leave.  So I stayed to do it and went over my regular time by an hour.  It really needed to be ready for the boss to look at first thing this morning.  But now I am worried about losing my job because of my own stupidity and forgetfulness.  And I know that everyone has times that they forget things.  I also know that my bosses are really great.  The boss that has the power to actually fire me wouldn’t fire me over an hour…I don’t think.  But.

Part of being bipolar–for me–is not being able to control it when your mind gets an idea into it and just runs with it.  I can’t get the idea that I am going to be fired out of my head.  My boss is a great man and will do it absolute best to make sure that I stay there.  I can’t get the idea that I am going to be thrown out of my apartment out of there, either.  I haven’t even spoken to the apartment staff to find out what I can do.  I worry incessantly the electricity will be turned off, even though I cannot remember to call the company.  I did try to sign up for online payments, but their system said I didn’t exist.  I am terrified I will screw up this appointment Monday and they will refuse to help me.  I forgot to write down the time or call for verification on Friday.  I will never get out of debt if I don’t get another/a second job.  I have not revamped and re-posted my resume.

So my mind gets fixated on these thoughts.  And I know ways to fix them, like phone calls and discussing my options, but I cannot seem to do any of those things right now.  In the past it has been difficult for me to do anything to fix situations, but I did eventually do something.  I may have given up opportunities that I had, but I kept my head above water.

Now I feel like I am drowning.  But would I reach for a life-preserver?

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~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on January 21, 2012.

2 Responses to “Okay…I lied.”

  1. I have been there most of my adult life. I pray you get a break to get caught up and a chance to organize your habits and put your finances in order so that you can remember.

  2. Well, I am working hard to make the time to get caught up. Just in the nick of time, I am getting a lot of overtime this weekend. I know I will have enough to cover the rent and bills, except possibly the electricity. But I have options now and outside help. I feel a lot less alone and confused. That makes a huge difference. Thank you for your prayers and well wishes!

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