Vagaries, confusion, and emotional responses
I am in a pretty dark place right now. I haven’t been posting because I feel like there is no point. No one is reading and my thoughts are so stupid and unimportant. If they were worth reading, I would have had more people transfer to the liquidmind blog. Instead I get my most loyal readers coming over and that is it. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore my loyal readers. The reason for starting this blog was to reach out to other people. If I have so few readers, I’m not reaching out very well.
I know that part of my problem is depression. I feel so isolated and worthless right now. Even though I know it is not accurate, I cannot stop the voice in my head telling me how worthless I am. No matter how many times I tell it the logical reasons people might have for ignoring my existence–they are busy, they have their own difficulties and pain to focus on, they may be sick, or their own dark demons are strangling them as well–I still hear the voice telling me how worthless, stupid, ugly, and lazy I am.
It’s like I have two sides to my brain. I have a logical side that tells me that I do a good job in life, trying my best. Then I have the emotional (and I can never tell how much of this is my bipolar and how much is basic personality) side that continually tells me how worthless I am. My friends might be surprised by my phrasing. Yes, as a matter of fact, that negative voice is always there. Normally my logical side is louder than the emotional and tends to drown it out. I am not saying that my emotional side is always negative, but it is so over the top and dramatic that it frightens me. Honestly, I don’t know how much of that is my perception and how much others see in me. [As always, it comes down to personal perception of reality.]
I feel like having the two sides of my brain in conflict so often causes my behavior and thought processes to be erratic and freakish. I do feel like a freak quite often. I feel like people are staring at me and wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I cannot react in a way they understand. Because I have locked down the emotional side of myself for so long (I remember having such strong emotional reactions when I was young and being treated as though my responses were wrong) that now I have a hard time understanding the emotional reactions of others. Logically, I know someone is happy about an event, but I cannot feel it myself.
Instead, I often go over the top trying to show others an emotional response that I just don’t have. For many people, this upsets them because I am “trying to steal the spotlight” by being too gregarious and too loud in trying to show an enthusiasm I just cannot feel. In these types of situations, I often share too much personal information and make others very uncomfortable without realizing it. It doesn’t help that forcing these types of emotional responses can often put me in a hypomanic state.
Granted, I am not nearly as bad about these incidents as I used to be. I will admit that the more strangers associated with it, the worse I am. It also depends upon how close I am to the person or people involved and how enthusiastic I am supposed to be (as one of my friends knows intimately). I still react this way, although I do have a bit more control when I am medicated. It does make things awkward, and I hate that feeling. It doesn’t help that my logical side is often tied and gagged during the times, but feels free to let me know how much I fucked up later on–in excruciating detail no less.
When I do have episodes and I can tell they are related to my bipolar or other mental issues, that emotional side can be in control while the logical side is still talking and berating me for my behavior. It is the oddest and most painful feeling to know there are logical reasons for what is going on around me and still feeling like I am the reason people aren’t calling/texting/reaching out. Even as I tell myself they are busy with their own lives, my emotional side tells me otherwise.
By the way, I keep saying voices, but that is not accurate. I just don’t know how else to explain the dichotomy of thought that occurs. It is lightning swift, but the confusion and pain caused by it last much longer. It sort of feels like a mob in my head. There is a part that is loud, unthinking, and overly reactive. There is another side that is calm and logical (often too much so, but that’s a different paragraph). When I have these problems, the loud, unthinking part drowns out the logical, thinking part until my responses follow the mob rather than trying to balance things. And the damage caused by the “mob” can be just as detrimental as those caused by a true mob. Often, once the mob is done doing whatever destructive things it is going to do, it turns on that logical side and beats it, too.
Sometimes I wonder if my emotional responses are so juvenile because my responses were deemed inappropriate and shut down when I was so young and in such a negative way. I often don’t know how to react to something new. I can have a reaction like I detailed above if I know I should be a certain way when I am not. When I don’t know how to respond at all, though, I often shut down completely. Many people over the years have called me cold, ruthless, stuck up, arrogant, a bitch, etc. because of this shut down aspect. What no one knows is that under that mask, the emotional battering my logical side (which is what is showing) is taking is terrible and terrifying.
Well, that was all over the place now, wasn’t it?
Okay, so where I was going before I decided to emotionally vomit all over this post was this: Because I did have a goal of reaching out with this blog, and because I have not been able to do what I intended to do with the liquidmind address (yes, I know this is confusing, but this post is going on both sites), I am going to go back to posting solely on the wordpress.com site. It isn’t ideal, but I feel as though I am able to reach more people that way. I cannot thank the friend enough that allowed me to use the liquidmind site enough for setting this blog up for me. I know I haven’t taken advantage of it as I could have.
So this will be the last dual posting. Please, if you moved over to the liquidmind site and cancelled the wordpress.com site, move back. Since those that moved over are my most loyal readers, I certainly hope that you are willing to put up with my vagaries on this. I am sorry to put you through so much trouble. I linked to both here, so you can go to the other from either site.