Writing: A Passion Undeserved?
I love writing. I feel like it is one of the best things I can do for myself. It isn’t easy, but it is something that makes me feel good. So why don’t I do it more often?
I have had many things in my life lately that point to how important my writing is and could be in the future. But I don’t make the time to write, and I’m trying to figure out why.
I know that part of the problem is that the rejection I received and the reasons given damaged my confidence. When you are told the reason for being rejected is X, and other (new) books from the same publisher are getting bad reviews for X, you have to wonder what was so wrong with your writing. You have to wonder if there is something inherently wrong with the way that you write when others are being published that you feel have the exact same flaws that you are being rejected for. And it is hard to recover from that. I think I’m finally ready to get into my writing again, but seem to keep finding reasons not to write.
Work isn’t an excuse currently as I have little to no work when I am there. Writing is much more productive than playing on the internet. I will say I did get some writing done, but not nearly enough. So that is one place that I need to work on writing when I have the time, be it my lunch or because I have no work to do.
I often fail to write when I am at home. I have books to read, emails to answer, movies to watch, etc. I think in this case, I don’t write because I am afraid. I am afraid that using the time to write will give me the ability to finish another story that will go out and be judged. Because I feel that others have been judging me all my life (generally harshly in my mind), the thought of putting a part of me out there in the form of my writing and asking for judgement terrifies me. I think this fear is also what allows me to be so easily distracted, even when I set up a time to meet with a friend to write.
I need to make writing a priority in my life. When I am writing, I feel more stable because I can tell some of the stories that fill my mind. Additionally, I enjoy learning my characters and their quirks. I love that, as I write, I learn more about the story and the people in it. Often, it ends up taking the story in a completely new direction, but that’s how writing goes. So I need to be putting my time and effort into making sure I am writing.
So, my thinking one this is: I need some sort of accountability that isn’t going to make me crazy and pull into my turtle shell and not write at all.
I am going to tryto get some sort of word meter set up on my page so you can all see where I am on my progress. We will see how that works out.
~ by theartistryofthebipolarbrain on August 11, 2012.
Posted in Life, Writing
Tags: anger, attitude, childhood issues, dreams, fear, fun, goals, life, pain and pleasure, publishing, putting myself out there, self-esteem, self-hatred, time-management, trying, worthlessness, writing